A Transcript from my Senate Confirmation Hearing
[Senate Hearing 1147-]
[From the U.S. Government Publishing Office]
CONFIRMATION OF BRENDAN BOOGIE ESQ. FOR POSITION OF ATTORNEY GENERAL
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U.S. Senate Subcommittee of the Committee on Confirmations, Washington, DC.
SENATOR SANDERS: As chair of the Confirmation Committee, I now call these hearings to order. The purpose of these hearings is to determine just cause for or against the confirmation of candidate Brendan Boogie Esq for the position of Attorney General of the United States. Mr. Boogie, I will now swear you in. During the course of these hearings, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?
BRENDAN: Eh. We’ll see how it goes.
SENATOR SANDERS: Mr. Boogie - we will not be able to continue with these proceedings until you are under oath.
BRENDAN: Fine. I swear. And since we’re starting with the truth, I am not sure how you got the whole ‘esquire’ thing. I am not a lawyer. I was only in a courtroom once, actually. I almost got picked for a jury but the lawyer’s wife went into labor so they postponed. True story!
SENATOR SANDERS: Thank you. We will amend your credentials for the record. Do you have any opening statement to make?
BRENDAN: Thank you, Senator. I am very honored to be standing before this committee today. I am also deeply honored that President-Elect Trump has chosen me for the esteemed position of Attorney General of the United States. To be honest, I am a little surprised my name came up for this position. After Matt Gaetz withdrew over ethical concerns, this paved the way for the nomination of R. Kelly. When that fell through, the President-Elect attempted to nominate Diddy and then Kid Rock and then Grimace for the position. Senators, I appreciate that this is your twenty-third set of hearings to fill this position so I will try to keep my statements brief. In short, I am being tasked by the President-Elect with a simple mission: restore this great nation to a time when you could pat your secretary on the ass and say “Good job, Toots” and no one made all that big a deal about it. And that is what I pledge to do. No further questions!
SENATOR SANDERS: That is not how this works, Mr. Boogie. The senators will be allowed to ask you questions.
BRENDAN: Oh, that’s cool. My bad. Fire away!
SENATOR SANDERS: We will start with the esteemed senator from Massachusetts, Senator Warren.
SENATOR WARREN: Thank you, Senator Sanders. Mr. Boogie, how do you respond to the accusation that you are not even remotely qualified for this position?
BRENDAN: I hear you, Liz. And yeah - I’m way in over my head here. But that doesn’t seem to be a problem anymore, does it? I mean - I don’t have to tell you that. You sat through the Scott Baio hearings. Personally, I think Ol’ Chach will make a fine Supreme Court justice. Charles in Charge of our days and our nights and our reproductive rights, am I right? Ha ha ha.
SENATOR WARREN: Sir, this is a serious hearing.
BRENDAN: I’m sorry. You’re right. Sometimes, you’ve just got to laugh. Know what I’m saying, Liz?
SENATOR WARREN: Stop calling me Liz, you smarmy prick.
SENATOR SANDERS: Ok ok, let’s move on. The chair recognizes the esteemed senator from New Jersey.
SENATOR BOOKER: Thank you, Senator Sanders. Mr. Boogie, since you are being considered for the head of the Justice Department, some of us on this committee have some understandable concerns about your past breaking the law.
BRENDAN: I’m glad you brought this up, Cor-Cor.
SENATOR BOOKER: Cor-Cor? Really?
BRENDAN: Sorry, dude. I thought a certain level of familiarity was cool since I’m about to be your boss.
SENATOR BOOKER: You’re not going to be my boss. The Attorney General is not in charge of the senate.
BRENDAN: No? I could have sworn I was going to be the boss of this place. I’ll have to check to read the employee handbook on that one once I get the gig. But I’m glad you brought up the whole ‘past crimes’ thing. I want to get ahead of this right now. Yes, I was convicted in a Florida court of ‘2nd degree manatee fondling’ but in fairness to me - I thought Sea World was technically considered international waters. And as far as the perjury I’ve already committed here today, I’m pretty sure it’ll be cool once the Big Guy gets out the ol’ pardon pen.
SENATOR SANDERS: Mr. Boogie - how can you be so cavalier about these serious proceedings?
BRENDAN: Oh - because the Republicans in here are going to push me through no matter what I say. I could literally drop an N-word, a C-word, both the R-words, and the JT-word and I’ll be juuuuust fiiiiiiine.
SENATOR WARREN: What is the JT-word?
BRENDAN: “Jive turkey.” It’s not overtly racist, but it still feels pretty wrong coming out of my mouth, doesn’t it?
SENATOR BOOKER: It weirdly does.
SENATOR SANDERS: Mr. Boogie - you won’t get away with this.
BRENDAN: Umm… I probably will. Every single one of these Republicans is too scared shitless to go up against Trump. They’re all going to vote for my confirmation.
SENATOR SANDERS: Is that true, Mitch?
SENATOR MCCONNELL: (sits there silently with a shit-eating grin)
SENATOR SANDERS: If this doesn’t matter, why are we even doing it?
BRENDAN: It’s showbiz, baby! We all get our political theater moment in the sun. And so if you’ll indulge me, I’m going to use the rest of my time singing “I Want To Know What Love Is” by recent Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductees Foreigner.
SENATOR SANDERS: (bangs gavel) You will not sing hair ballads in this chamber!
SENATOR CRUZ: Wait! I’m totally into this kind of foreigner! (singing) “In my life… there’s been heartache and pain…”
BRENDAN: Sing it with me, Teddy Bear! (singing) “I don’t know… if I can maaaaake it again…”
SENATOR WARREN: America is well and truly fucked, isn’t it?
SENATOR SANDERS: You know it, Liz.
SENATOR WARREN: Want to make out?
SENATOR SANDERS: (shrugs) Why not? This hearing is adjourned. It’s elderly orgy time!
END OF OFFICIAL RECORD
(Ed. note: thanks to my friend Madden for giving me the “good job, Toots” joke.)
Boogie Writes is a completely independent endeavor by one hard-working funnyman trying to make his way in the world today (which takes everything you’ve got.) If you like what you read, please subscribe, support, and tell a friend! Also - do you need advice? Of course you do! Send your queries to brendan@brendanboogie.com with “Dear Boogie” in the subject and get some solid or at least passable advice!