Anonymous Interviews: A Trans Man
In this continuing series, I conduct a completely real, completely anonymous interview with a person I find interesting. Identities are protected to emphasize the truth. This time, I chatted with with a trans man.
As best you can, try to explain the feeling of not feeling like your body is the correct gender.
I have a friend who's a trans musician and they once described the experience as a constant wrong note being blown in a song that you think everyone should know. It can feel really surreal. But sometimes you don't know what you don't know.
You kind of assumed everyone felt that way.
Yes. I assumed that everyone was deeply uncomfortable in their body, deeply uncomfortable shopping for clothes or looking in the mirror or seeing pictures of themselves. I thought that was the human experience. And then I started to meet trans people and it suddenly opened up conversations that blew my mind. When I got the idea in my head that there might actually be a way to live where I wasn't in agony every day, I got so excited for my life. And now having made a hormonal and physical change, I feel like I've gotten a second chance at my life.
That's amazing. Can you talk about that agony? I’m not sure I’ve experienced anything like that.
It felt like a constant screaming in the back of my head that I almost got used to. Screaming “you are wrong, you are gross, you are dumb.” It was just really intense discomfort. I think probably this is an experience that people who are really misaligned are feeling, so I don't really think it's necessarily always a trans thing. It's a feeling of such spiritual misalignment that when I clicked into alignment I was like, “Oh my God, how did I do it?”
I guess in my life, the closest thing to that would be like depression. I thought everybody felt this way. I thought this was just life. And then when I got treatment, it was “Oh wait - that’s not how it had to be.”
I imagine more people than not feel this because we're under crushing capitalism. I feel like late stage capitalism can lend itself to this feeling in cis people too. “This can't be right. I feel like I've done everything I was supposed to do and yet I still wake up dreading every day.”
For you, were there some things that felt particularly wrong?
In retrospect, it was everything. But again - you don't know what you don't know. I started to feel so insane by being misgendered. People would say “she” and “what can I get for you, ma’am?” and I would look behind me to see if they were talking to someone else. I transitioned in my late thirties so I was able to kind of manage this through my twenties and through my thirties. But then that scream got louder and louder. I was embarrassed to be alive.
When I started to get around trans people, it was the only time I felt free. My transition was reflected to me from other people. I had a few people notice how I was interacting and be curious about it. That gave me permission to think - oh, maybe not everyone sees me as a woman and I'm not crazy. I had other people who were locked into what was happening with me saying “Hey, this might be your path.” And when that happened, I was like - oh fuck. I couldn't get it outta my head.
When did you know you had to do something about this kind of screaming in your head?
I had never given myself permission. And I was in a relationship in which that conversation just wasn't able to happen. I thought “If I just be good and do all of these things, then I'll be able to have this life.” If I just stayed “good.”
And by that you mean stay female presenting?
Yes. Just be a lesbian and maintain and do all the right things. If I just do what I’m supposed to do, everything will be ok. And then the relationship ended. Everything wasn't ok. Well then - I’m going to give myself this gift because there's no relationship to judge me and I'm not gonna lose everything I thought I might lose if I transition. I lost it already. So if there's nothing else, then I might as well do something for me. And doing something for me ended up exploding my whole life out. Now I actually have a really full life. I don't think I realized how small I made myself. And now I feel a lot bigger and fuller.
Every trans person that I've ever met talks about how they feel a million times better after the transition. Can you describe what is different about living post-transition compared to pre-transition?
Some of it is external. I remember the first time I walked into a Staples and someone working said, “Morning, sir. Let me know if I can help you find anything.” It was like my life changed. I didn't realize how exhausted I was being in public. So for me, I feel very free to just exist as a human because I'm not constantly having my guard up waiting to be misgendered.
That sounds like a big relief.
Definitely. All of those barriers to society are now gone for me because I am sort of what they call a “passing trans man,” which feels really nice to me. Some people really love being non-binary. For me, I was lucky enough to have the transition that I wanted. I grew a nice full beard and so I get to exist in the world as I feel and that's a lot of relief.
A lot of it is internal. It's taken a couple years to figure out what the words are. The bottom line is - I loved myself enough to transition. I was always trans, but I loved myself enough to do something about it.
Why do you think people are having such a hard time with the existence of trans people?
In my opinion, I think society has been fed this idea that if you just do the ‘right thing,’ you'll get what you want. That's anger at capitalism. That's poor people being mad at minorities. There always has to be someone who's messing it up for everyone else. I am so happy and so free. I think people see that and I think they're angry. And truthfully, I think it's because they're not happy and free. They've seen me give myself a gift of living the exact life I want and they think “Why do you get to do that? I'm slaving away at this job and I've got three kids!” It's like - you can have that and we can be on the same team!
There's always someone else to blame. They were saying the exact same things about gay people in the eighties. It's the exact same language. That we're groomers. That we're hurting kids. But gay people have assimilated into culture enough through protections of laws, through enough people going to a gay wedding. Trans people are now the new gay people in my opinion.
What's the scariest thing about being a trans person?
That I will be killed or that my friends will be killed. Because even though I'm not on guard in the way that I was, I am always on guard when I'm around a lot of men. When I'm in a locker room, at any point somebody could have ingested these right wing talking points and that could be it for me.
Also, I'm really terrified of young people ingesting the vitriol and them dying young. Trans masc youth have a 60% suicide attempt rate.
And the general population is less than 1%.
It is so fucking scary. So when I see on Instagram comment after comment after comment of people saying horrible things about trans people, I'm like - “Oh my God, a 16-year old is probably reading this.” They could open up Instagram and think “I'm not worth anything. The entire world is working against me even being alive. I'm gonna kill myself.” It terrifies me that the vitriol is so high. The literal end game is to make trans people not exist. That's actually what they’re trying to do.
You mentioned the eighties and history repeating itself in some ways. So how hopeful are you that the future will be better for trans people? The way - in a lot of ways - it has gotten better for gay people?
The only way is up. We're not going back. That's not happening. That's not possible. It's just a fight that takes longevity. We are winning this eventually. There are a lot of insurmountable things because right wing propaganda is so invasive and so loud. There was such permission when Trump got elected to say all the quiet parts out loud and then make that your identity. So that's gonna take a while to… I don't know if it's putting a lid on it. I don't know if it's eradicating it. Obviously wars have been fought since the beginning of time, so maybe people have always been bad.
I think you're right that there's always some ‘other’ that is being targeted and there are multiple ‘others’ right now. But you just have to live your life when you can so obviously see what they’re doing… and it’s about you personally. How do you get through that without losing your mind?
Sometimes I lose my mind. I would say I'm really hopeful and optimistic and I love my life. And also probably once a month I cry and I put down my phone for a couple days because I can't function if I'm ingesting these talking points. But you just keep doing the work. I do a lot with my community. I have a lot of trans friends. We uplift each other. Anytime there's a big trans something in the news, I'll get a couple texts that just say “How are you?” And I know what it means. “Hey, do you need support? Are you gonna kill yourself?” That's really intense.
It's not just that the right wing doesn't like trans people. Right now (in summer 2023), there have been over 650 anti-trans bills proposed. So it's not just that socially they don't like us. It's that they are actively trying to strip us of being full American citizens. I am a tax paying American citizen who volunteers, who's a nice guy who helps people across the road if they need help. I'm not hurting a goddamn person. In fact, I would say that I serve to really help people because I have such joy. But I might not be able to get the healthcare that I need. That kind of thing is so disturbing and dystopian. I wish that people would take a step back and really think about - how does this actually impact you? And do you think it's okay that all American citizens pay taxes, but only some get to live free?
I think people don't know that they're ingesting right-wing propaganda. I've had a lot of conversations online. “I support trans people, but I don't think they should play sports.” That's a right-wing talking point. It isn't an issue. You are talking about children playing team building sports together.
Right. Why do you all of a sudden care about what happens in a high school wrestling match? It's a weird thing to care about.
It's bizarre. It's weird and it's not a thing. Utah went through years and years of trying to ban this stuff and at the very end of it, it came out that there was one out transgender youth in the entire state of Utah who wanted to play sports.
It’s like banning books from libraries. Kids have the internet, bitch!
It’s all symbolism. And all that symbolism does is say to kids ”You should kill yourselves.” They don't really care no one way or the other. They're just trying to rile up their base and win points. They are winning points by hurting the most vulnerable in our population.
What are the best parts about being trans?
I fucking love being trans. No offense Brendan, but I really think that trans people are sort of higher beings. A trans person has had to look at the entire world saying one thing and they’ve had to know themselves well enough to be like, “Even though every single person I've ever met is saying this thing, I don't quite think it is right. I'm gonna crawl through the fire to get to what I actually think is right and then I'm gonna tell everyone around me and then I'm gonna deal with the consequence of everyone doing that thing and I'm still gonna live.” Proudly, we go to work and do the thing. When people have to transform in a way that requires that amount of excavation and bravery…
It's a lot to be admired.
Yeah. Of course not just trans people do it. I think some people have to face this stuff when they go through trauma or through divorce or whatever. But I feel like I know myself pretty well. I really love the community. I really love that it forces me to stay curious about myself and the people around me. And frankly, I'm really glad that I was not assigned male at birth because I got all the soft skills that are afforded to girls that we really don't afford to boys a lot of the time. So I feel really lucky that I was raised female and now get to live this way with that information. Not every trans man feels that way, by the way. That’s just me personally.
What might surprise people the most about living as a trans man?
I honestly think that people are surprised by the existence of trans men. For folks who don't know, they picture a trans person as a linebacker in a dress. Girl, no. You've met trans people. We're a small part of the population, but I guarantee you've met a trans person. You've been in the bathroom with a trans person and you don't even know it.
When you think of trans women as men in a dress, you are actually thinking of cis men who are lying and manipulating to get something. I think enough people have been really injured by men manipulating and lying to get something that they're naturally afraid. They're physically afraid. They're emotionally afraid because cis men have inflicted a lot of damage. I guess I understand where that fear-based thinking comes from, but that's not the reality. And that’s what they use to target the parents about the “grooming” and all that stuff.
What parents don’t seem to understand is that your kid is already trans or not trans. You don’t have any choice in that. Your choices are to either try to make their life easier or harder.
Yes. We live in a really fear-based world and I think people are just trying to get by and so they're not gonna do the extra step to be curious. But we're in a society. I think being curious about the other members of your society is kind of a cool thing.
If you were talking to someone who maybe didn't know a lot about trans folks, what advice would you give to them about how to be helpful?
When people talk to me and I can tell that they are coming from a place of curiosity, if I have the spoons I personally will talk them through it. Don't expect that of all trans people. We're trying to exist. We don’t want to be an educator all the time, especially with questions that can be really rough. I've been asked about my genitals a lot. I've never asked anyone about their genitals.
You’ve asked me three times today about my genitals.
Okay, but the people really need to know what’s going on down there.
Fair enough.
There are some really good resources. There’s a documentary called CHANGING THE GAME. It follows four transgender teenagers who live in three different states that have different rules about competing in sports. It's a really interesting conversation and I always recommend that to people. There's also a film called DISCLOSURE about trans people in film and television. It blew my mind open as a trans person. If you're curious, be curious. There are podcasts, TED talks - go follow ten trans people online and listen to what they have to say.
Being an ally is something that's active. So if you are around your friends and you all have a trans friend and your friends misgender that person when they're not there, give them a correction even though that person's not there. You’re not an ally for the pat on the back. You're an ally because you're invested in trans people's well-being. Practice pronouns. We misgender dogs all the time. The owner says “Oh no, actually she's a girl” and we say, “Oh, sorry - what's her name?” So if you're doing that with dogs, do that with your neighbors, idiot.
What have you learned as a trans man?
Men are gross. I knew that before, but until I went into a men's locker room after having been in a women's locker room… there's penis on everything. There's penis on everything. Brendan, I want you to keep this in the interview. There's penis everywhere. Anything you think there might be penis on? There's penis.
Boogie Writes is a completely independent endeavor by one hard-working funnyman trying to make his way in the world today (which takes everything you’ve got.) If you like what you read, please subscribe, support, and tell a friend! Also - do you need advice? Of course you do! Send your queries to brendan@brendanboogie.com with “Dear Boogie” in the subject and get some solid or at least passable advice!