Back to School Tips
It’s back to school season! Personally, I can’t wait to get cracking at 42nd grade. I’ve got my Punky Brewster Trapper Keeper and a prescription bottle full of Jesse Spano-grade speed, so I’m so excited! Dated cultural references aside, you may be a little nervous about this new phase of your life. Luckily, your buddy Brendo has you covered with some tips for starting the school year:
Tip #1: On the first day, find the biggest, baddest hombre in the whole school. Buy him a chocolate milk in the cafeteria. Then, find the second baddest hombre. Also buy him a chocolate milk. Keep going down the list in order of toughness and buying chocolate milks. By the laws of probability, one of them is likely to be lactose intolerant. Be patient. This is the long game.
Tip #2: This may be the year you have to take some tough courses like Organic Chemistry or AP Calculus, so try to balance your schedule out with easier classes such as Environmental Ignoring and Cheeto Appreciation.
Tip #3: Don’t get a mullet. Yeah yeah - I know they’re back. But just… don’t. You will regret this choice like no others. Learn from your elders.
Tip #4: That said, fall is the time to try new fashions. Be bold. There’s nothing that will impress your peers more than a necklace made out of the ears of the enemies you vanquished over the summer. Also, plaids never go out of style.
Tip #5: Ignore your guidance counselor. Seriously, they’ve got nothing.
Tip #6: Even though the year is just beginning, start considering your legacy. That means yearbook superlatives! Instead of aiming for the high competition categories like “Most Likely to Succeed” and “Most Musical,” try to create your own niche categories. What about “Most Listless” or “Most Likely to Be Neutral About The Impending Oasis Reunion”?
Tip #7: Speaking of reunions, it’s never too early to think ahead. In five- to ten-year intervals, you are going to be attending reunions with these people. It may not seem important now, but you’re going to want their adult lives to be a lot worse than yours. Get proactive! Encourage the cutest couples to get married ASAP or at least stop using protection. Talk about how cool it is to stay in your hometown for the rest of your life. Heavy metals and formaldehyde have been known to cause hair loss, so advise the popular kids to get into careers like mercury mining and embalming. Your future ego will thank you!
Tip #8: If you’re like me, you probably have an offensive high school mascot name. (My high school mascot was the Indians until literally 3 years ago). Protest that shit! If your mascot isn’t traditionally offensive, you can find a reason. Here are the nation’s ten most popular team names with handy reasons to protest each one:
Eagles: offensive to bald people
Yellowjackets: offensive to people with different color jackets
Panthers: offensive to people who pant a lot and are bad spellers
Crusaders: offensive to people with even a vague understanding of European history
Greyhounds: offensive to dogs sensitive about their ages
Cobras: offensive to religious people who don’t like being reminded of the existence of bras
Knights: offensive to people uncomfortable with silent Ks
Bobcats: offensive to comedian and underrated filmmaker Bobcat Goldthwait
Chargers: offensive to people who don’t like to be reminded how low their cell phone battery is
Trojans: offensive to people who like to ride bareback, am I right? High five!
Tip #9: Seriously, has a guidance counselor ever successfully guided anyone? I’ve never heard a “guidance counselor changed my life” story.
Tip #10: Most importantly, remember - everything you do in school is super duper important and not bullshit at all. There is an elaborate demerit system that tracks your actions and follows you forever. Too many negatives prevent you from doing anything meaningful in your life. And I’m sorry to inform you that by reading to the end of this article, you have earned enough black marks to prevent you from getting into a top tier college. You think making fun of guidance counselors is funny? What’s wrong with you?
Boogie Writes is a completely independent endeavor by one hard-working funnyman trying to make his way in the world today (which takes everything you’ve got.) If you like what you read, please subscribe, support, and tell a friend! Also - do you need advice? Of course you do! Send your queries to brendan@brendanboogie.com with “Dear Boogie” in the subject and get some solid or at least passable advice!