Brendan Gets Into Confrontations with Strangers

I try to be honest with myself (and you) about my flaws. In general, I try to lead with kindness in the world. I truly believe that life is hard enough for most people without a piece of shit like me adding a bunch of unnecessary negativity by getting into arguments with people. But here’s the problem:

I’m very good at it.

While I have no physical toughness whatsoever, my combination of my Boston upbringing, education in human psychology, and comedy writer’s training has honed me into a top-notch verbal assassin. I am great at making assholes feel bad. And sadly - I enjoy it. I’ve also been told other people enjoy watching it. One friend observed “Wow - it’s incredible how calm you are and how much broader your vocabulary becomes when you’re enraged! It’s fascinating!”

This is not something of which I am proud. When I’m out in public, it is a constant tug-of-war between my genuine desire to live and let live and my Larry David-esque urge to speak up about every perceived wrong, no matter how incidental. As a rule, I tend to let most things go. (In my twenties, this was not my policy.) These days, it takes a pretty extreme case of rudeness or injustice for me to intervene. Fortunately for you, one of these occasions came up last week. I present my shame for your entertainment…