Brendan Revisits 2 Live Crew
The year was 1989. Tim Burton reinvented the superhero movie with BATMAN. Ivan Reitman reinvented the GHOSTBUSTERS movie with GHOSTBUSTERS 2. And a young Brendan stumbled his way through eighth grade with the grace of a drunk white lady at a roller derby-themed bachelorette party. But what was the soundtrack of my awkward burst into adolescence? The Pixies’ seminal “Doolittle”? Perhaps “Disintegration” by the Cure? Maybe he was in early on Nirvana’s “Bleach”?
No, my friends. In 1989, I was obsessed with one album: “As Nasty As They Want To Be” by the 2 Live Crew:
A little history lesson for the young ‘uns: in the 80s, there was no internet. Porn was not beamed directly to a device in your hand. For a young horny pre-teen, this was - in a word - a fucking nightmare. You were relegated to weather-worn Playboys with sticky pages hidden in a corner of your neighbor’s tree fort or - if you were lucky - a VHS tape shown to you by a friend with a dad who was lazy about hiding things. And while hip hop was pretty mainstream in the white suburbs thanks to MTV, hardcore groups like N.W.A. burst into our lives like a revelation. There was something dangerous and forbidden about it all. It was intoxicating. So my tween brain was already primed for the inevitable arrival of the 2 Live Crew. It was gangster rap and porn? Sign my hormone-overloaded brain the fuck up!
Of course, we weren’t allowed to openly listen to the 2 Live Crew. We did have parents. Listening to explicit music was a “hide the tape under the mattress and secretly listen on your walkman when no one was home” type deal. I have a clear-as-a-bell memory of my Irish dad finding a bootleg 2 Live Crew tape with a track listing written on it and shouting “Which one of you is listening to this music about people being horny?” I can’t properly explain how funny the word “horny” was being spat angrily in his Kildare accent, but rest assured - I am still laughing 35 years later.
Despite the fact that they were an indelible part of my adolescence, the 2 Live Crew disappeared from my consciousness as fast as they appeared. I hadn’t thought of “As Nasty As They Want To Be” in literal decades. So the question is: how does it hold up? So I put myself in the mindset of my 1989 self and revisited the album, track by track:
“Me So Horny”: This is - of course - the big hit that put the 2 Live Crew on the map. It opens with a sample of the quaintly racist sex worker scene from the Kubrick Vietnam war film FULL METAL JACKET. I’ve got to admit - the hook is kind of a banger. I can see why this one was a big hit in the clubs. The verse lyrics are incredibly dumb and despite the fact that I am hip-hop impaired, even I can tell that no member of the 2 Live Crew has a particular gift for smooth flow. But overall, it’s a fun retro jam.
“Put Her In The Buck”: The Crew follows their big hit with what can only be described as an instruction manual for a particular sex position known as “the buck.” What is “the buck”? I have no fucking idea. I’m sure in this day and age, I could easily look it up on urban dictionary or some such resource and have my curiosity sated with graphic illustrations and reenactment videos. But I tried to put myself back into 1989 and figure this thing out based just on the lyrics. As I imagined the chaotic pretzel of limbs and genitals being described, I ended the song as stumped as I began. But I’m pretty sure “the buck” requires a level of athleticism beyond my capability or even desire. That’s going to be a hard no for me, Crew.
“D-ck Almighty”: This is a pretty simple poetic conceit - an ode to the speaker’s considerable member. Apparently, the phallus in question is “fifteen inches long and eight inches thick” which is so powerful it renders all females in its vicinity completely under its considerable erotic influence. In my college English class, the professor might raise an eyebrow and query “Do we suspect we have an unreliable narrator here?” I did enjoy the juxtaposition of key words of Flannery O’Connor’s “A Good Man Is Hard To Find” with “a hard man is good to find” but hey - I’m a sucker for references to Southern gothic literature.
“Dirty Nursery Rhymes”: If you found Andrew Dice Clay’s 80s standup act a touch sophisticated for your tastes, this is the song for you. Filthy versions of Jack & Jill, Little Miss Muffet, Little Red Riding Hood - the Crew covered them all. As you might imagine, this was a pretty popular one to quote on the playground. I remembered most of them word for word, but a particular favorite was the following:
Abraham Lincoln was a good ol’ man
Jumped out the window with his dick in his hand
Said excuse me lady, I’m just doing my duty
Now pull down your pants and give me some booty.
Sure, Abraham Lincoln isn’t technically a nursery rhyme character, but are we here to nitpick, people? Or are we here to appreciate art?
“The Fuck Shop”: This song featured samples of Van Halen’s “Ain’t Talkin Bout Love” and Guns N Roses “Sweet Child O’ Mine,” which I’m sure thrilled both bands. Who wouldn’t want to their music used (for free, I’m sure) in an ode to the Fuck Shop? (As you probably surmised, the Fuck Shop is a place where you can go to fuck all the hoes. It’s right there in the name, dummy.) I forgot how rampant unfettered sampling was in the 80’s. For a while there, it was perfectly legal to just lift someone else’s music and do whatever you want with it. Thank God they fixed that and all musicians are getting paid fairly for their music these days!
“C’Mon Baby”: Ok, this is about where I had my fill of the 2 Live Crew. It was time for me to tap out. I could have kept going the rest of the way through the album, but what would be the point? The content is all the same. Eighteen tracks of “my dick is huge” and “you will suck my dick” and “you will also fuck my dick.” It’s a little - shall we say - one note. It wouldn’t be so bad, but there’s a strange lack of fun about the whole thing. The tone was way angrier than I remember. The whole album was essentially shouting at imaginary women to suck things. It was weird and a little depressing.
So it turns out that the 2 Live Crew was not very good. But despite what Tipper Gore may have thought, I don’t think listening to the 2 Live Crew at age 12 did any lasting damage on my burgeoning development. Or at least any more damage than the movies and television we were watching with their horrific overt and covert messages about sex and women. Have you rewatched REVENGE OF THE NERDS lately? Do yourself a favor and don’t. (shiver)
But revisiting the mildly charming filth of the 2 Live Crew made me think about our cultural attitudes toward “adult” art and how they’ve changed since I was a kid. Obviously, the access is a lot easier, but it’s the same principle. Kids seek out and - despite our best efforts - inevitably find things that are “forbidden.” What should we do about it? We could double down on prevention, trying to ban books and censor art. We could put our heads in the sand and pretend that our cute, innocent little children aren’t thinking about sex and violence and drugs and all the things that scare us. Or we can accept that these things are part of kids’ daily reality and help them contextualize them, learn the difference between fantasy and reality, and learn how to treat each other with kindness and compassion while dealing with their monstrous hormonal urges.
With open communication and actively fighting shame, we can help our kids do what we couldn’t do: understand what the hell “the buck” is. Is an elbow involved? What’s going on?
Boogie Writes is a completely independent endeavor by one hard-working funnyman trying to make his way in the world today (which takes everything you’ve got.) If you like what you read, please subscribe, support, and tell a friend! Also - do you need advice? Of course you do! Send your queries to brendan@brendanboogie.com with “Dear Boogie” in the subject and get some solid or at least passable advice!