Clickbait Headlines

I work hard at this whole ‘writing’ gig. It may not seem like it, but I spend hours and hours on this drivel. And as such, I would naturally like to grow my audience. But how do I pull off the Herculean feat of getting my righteous signal through the pea-soupy noise of the internet? Could it be that I use terms like “Herculean” and “pea-soupy”? Nah. You all love that shit, right?

I have been told by a few well-meaning critics that the subjects I write about might not exactly have mass appeal. While I am not willing to compromise my artistic integrity, I am willing to play the game a little bit to get those precious clicks. So I came up with a compromise: I will give my articles splashy clickbait headlines to drive eyeballs to my work. Let me workshop a few with you now: 

Headline: You Should Be Outraged!

People will click on this doozy, expecting an Atlantic-style think piece on post-truth America. While I will certainly touch on that, my main focus will be a scathing indictment of Taco Bell for eliminating the double decker taco from the menu. The fact that more people aren’t mad about this still baffles me. People will storm the capital over a few lies from an obvious liar and yet Taco Bell headquarters continues to skate by, unmolested? What happened to our spirit, people? We’re not living very mas anymore, are we?

You know you want it.