As some of you in the Boston music scene may remember, I used to write an advice column for the now defunct Boston Band Crush blog. It was wildly popular. Children sang songs about me in the villages. When BBC ended, so sadly did my advice column.
But now - over a decade later - Dear Boogie has returned! I am older, wiser, and definitely overdue for that colonoscopy. So my advice can only be better with age, right? Here’s how you find out: write me directly at brendan@brendanboogie.com with “Dear Boogie” in the subject line. The silly, the serious - I’ll answer them all. Don’t worry - everything will be completely anonymous, I promise.
It is difficult to write an advice column without letters, so the more you contribute the more Dear Boogie you get! In case you want a taste, here is an example of a past column:
Dear Boogie,
I have a crush on the bass player in a local rock band. I know, however, that my parents would not approve of me dating a bass player. They insist that I go for guitarists or singers. Should I follow my heart or musical convention?
Sincerely,
Bassic Training
Dear BT,
While me suspects that this is a wiseacre way of taking a swipe at yours truly, I'm going to be the grown-up and actually answer your question. So I harumph! in your general direction!
Music appreciation, schmusic schmappreciation. There are two kinds of people who go to rock shows: musicians and people who want to see musicians naked. This is no surprise and is in fact why most of us got into music in the first place. At some point in high school or college, some of us realized that the few chicks/dudes who didn't dig jocks/cheerleaders actually dug geeks with guitars. After years of atomic melvins wedged in our ass cheeks and circle-circle-dot-dot cootie shots injected in our arms, it was nice for us sensitive artistic folk to finally be someone's type.
However, not everyone is attracted to the same type of musician. As you suggest, Bassic Training, the instrument to which you are most attracted speaks volumes about your character. So as a public service, I will present here what being attracted to certain instruments says about you:
If you're into lead singers: You are easily distracted by shiny nickels and the sounds of keys jangling. Your favorite show is American Idol and your second favorite show is the American Idol results show. You value charisma above all things of substance and will likely end up joining some sort of cult which will leave you bald-headed and penniless, the subject of an expose on Dateline NBC. You drive a 2002 blue Dodge Neon.
If you're into keyboardists: You are a lesbian. Yes, I know that particular keyboardist you are crushing on is technically a guy. Doesn't make you any less of a lesbian, Chastity Bono.
If you're into lead guitarists: You have endless tolerance for colossal wastes of time, included but not limited to noodling on tuneless tunes, rewiring little electronic devices that light up and whistle, and masturbating. For some inexplicable reason, you don't want to punch Eric Clapton in the face. You are always late for everything, but think your friends don't mind even though they totally do. You often stare off into space, thinking it gives you a certain mystique. It actually makes people think you have Asperger's. Your ideal dog is a Maltese named Yngwie.
If you're into drummers: You have low self-esteem. Seriously, the drummer? Why don't you be attracted to the sound board while you're at it? Jeez Louise. The drummer? Really?
If you're into rhythm guitarists: You like to play it safe. You were turned off when Friends got "too preachy toward the end." You lack any sense of personal identity whatsoever. Your parents still introduce themselves to you every time they meet you. You once thought about getting personal checks with polar bears on them, but you opted for the plain yellow because you didn't want to get too political. Your lucky numbers are 3 12 32 49.
If you're into bassists: You have impeccable taste. You are a class act, Jack.
If you're into any of the above that plays modern jazz: You are an asshole.
Boogie Writes is a completely independent endeavor by one hard-working funnyman trying to make his way in the world today (which takes everything you’ve got.) If you like what you read, please subscribe, support, and tell a friend! Also - do you need advice? Of course you do! Send your queries to brendan@brendanboogie.com with “Dear Boogie” in the subject and get your letter answered right here!