Dear Boogie - Volume 13

Dear Boogie,

In your last post, you said “My nervous system is a supercharged soggy noodle hanging on a rusted out coat hanger!” Hardcore relate, my brother. Remember relaxation? How am I supposed to not lose my shit every second of every day?

Sincerely,

Anxiety Pie

Dear AP,

Ah, anxiety. We’re all feeling it these days and with good reason. We’ve got masked thugs literally kidnapping our neighbors. Billionaires are literally getting away with raping children. There are literal genocides being paid for by our tax dollars. I’m so sick of these things being literal! It was so much better when horrors were metaphorical!

I’m the fictional embodiment of cocaine! Look it up!

If you’re like most people, your anxiety isn’t contained to just big world events. You’re probably anxious about that conversation you just had with your boss who probably definitely hates you. Or maybe you’re worried about your bank account all of a sudden exploding and then you get evicted and have to move into your cousin Scott’s pool house and never hear the end of the time he almost banged Jenna Van Oy from Blossom. (She was just being polite to you, Scott! It was never going to happen!) The point is - anxiety is a bear. How do we manage it?

Here’s the first thing to remember: anxiety is your brain trying to keep you safe. Anxiety is a feature of our evolution. The reason we are all still here is because our ancestors were really fucking anxious people. The bloodlines of the non-anxious early folks who thought it would be super chill to go pet the lions were quickly extinguished. Only the anxious survived. That’s us!

Run for your life! It’s mid-80’s childhood nostalgia!

So anxiety isn’t bad per se. It is our functional ‘alarm system’ warning us of danger. The problem is that when we are over exposed to horrible things (like… well, look around), our alarm system gets overworked. Thus, we have a hair trigger. So every possible bad thing that could happen is a life or death disaster. Annoying, right? Yes. But we can do something about it. Namely, activate the ol’ logic noodle. I have found this is most helpful with asking ourselves four simple questions:

Question 1: What is the worst case scenario?

This one should be nooooo problem. Your brain is already probably coming up with worse case scenarios as we speak. But the mistake we often make is that it is too vague. “People will be mad at me.” Who? What specific people? Name names. “I won’t be able to afford my apartment.” How exactly will it happen? What is the timeline of an eviction? What are the steps? “I’ll feel like shit.” Okay that’s legit, but what will happen as a result of that feeling? Be as specific as possible. Anxiety lives in the vague. The more specific we get, the better to lead to…

Question 2: How likely is that to happen?

This is where we activate the practical brain. Do your best to realistically assess the actual threat level. Use history as your guide. It may be highly likely that your toxic best friend doesn’t like your new boyfriend. It’s probably less likely that if you are fifteen minutes late for work, you’re going to get fired on the spot.

This is where I assume all of you work.

The key to this step is to try to be as realistic as possible. Warning: your brain isn’t going to want to shift gears in this way. The anxiety mechanism views panicking as necessary for your safety. It’s going to be difficult to dislodge. But when we activate our logic brain to look at things realistically, we take the problem from a throbbing amorphous lightning storm to just a problem to be solved. Which brings us to…

Question 3: If this were to happen, what would I do about it?

Here’s the key to the whole shebang. This is where we move our brains from passive to active. When we’re thinking of a plan, we are asserting ourselves. It is impossible to be anxious and assert yourself at the same time. I’m a big fan of plan A, plan B, plan C, etc. When we are focused on what we are choosing vs. what is happening to us, we are more empowered. Spending our energy on things we can control is more manageable for our brain than spinning out on the circumstances.

Now - are there situations in which our choices are really really bad? Of course! This step isn’t about pretending your situation is better than it is. Sometimes our choices in life are ‘shitty’ and ‘shittier.’ In those cases, our choice is how we respond. Coming up with a plan - even a bad plan - is more productive than panicking. Once we have at least a semblance of a plan, we can ask ourselves…

Question 4: How bad is the situation really?

By working through this process, the problem hasn’t magically disappeared. A mindset shift doesn’t change reality. But hopefully, focusing on what we can control makes it feel more manageable. Let’s go through an example, shall we?

“Ahhhh! My boyfriend Scott is probably cheating on me! Probably with Jenna Von Oy from Blossom! She’s so adorkable! I can’t compete with that!”

Question 1: What is the worst case scenario?

“Scott leaves me and I’m humiliated and alone forever and can’t enjoy the adolescent female bonding of Blossom and Six ever again! What am I supposed to watch? Rory and Lane on Gilmore Girls? It’s a pale imitation!”

Question 2: How likely is that to happen?

“Well… Scott might be cheating on me. He’s been pretty distant lately which usually only happens during the finals of Power Slap. I genuinely fear he’s on his way out. But the Jenna Von Oy thing is probably a stretch. Plus, I heard she’s a lesbian now or something.”

Question 3: If this were to happen, what would you do?

“Oh my God I would be so upset. I would cry my stupid face off.”

Question 3A: That’s how you would feel. What would you do?

“Wait - I thought this was only four questions. You get a 3A?”

I make the rules here, Diane. What would you do if Scott were actually cheating?

“I’d dump his underemployed ass. I’m not putting up with that shit.”

And then?

“How many questions do you get?”

As many as I want. This all falls under question 3. And then what would you do? Like, literally the next day after you broke up with him.

“I don’t know. Wake up. Eat breakfast. Go to work. Change all my streaming passwords.”

Question 4: How bad is the situation really?”

“I mean… it’s not great. But I’ll live.”

So you see AP - you’ll live. I know it’s a cliche, but you’ll get through it. You can get through shitty times and do hard things. When we focus less on what is happening to us and more on what we’re doing about it, things get a lot more manageable. Even if that wanton sex vixen Six comes and steals our man.

I know it’s weird to show this pic after that last sentence, but she’s like 50 now.

Boogie Writes is a completely independent endeavor by one hard-working funnyman trying to make his way in the world today (which takes everything you’ve got.) If you like what you read, please subscribe, support, and tell a friend! Also - do you need advice? Of course you do! Send your queries to brendan@brendanboogie.com with “Dear Boogie” in the subject and get some solid or at least passable advice!