Dear Boogie,
I don’t get dogs. Like, I’m not saying I don’t like dogs. I just don’t get them. People go nuts over their dogs. I think dogs are cute or whatever, but doesn’t the whole thing wear off after like five minutes? They do like three things. And it’s not like I’m a cat person. Cats seem basically the same. Four legs, fur, don’t talk. What’s the appeal? Why is everyone building their lives around these things?
I am not really looking to like dogs more or anything like that. I’m just slightly confused/worried that there is this thing in life that everyone seems to get but me. Am I some kind of monster?
Sincerely,
Fidon’t
Dear Fidon’t,
Yes, you kind of are a monster. But the cleverness of the name “Fidon’t” makes up for it.
I’m not going to get into the whole ‘cat person vs. dog person’ debate. It’s been played out. Plus, Abbie and I settled it once and for all during the Turner and Hooch episode of our award-repellant podcast.
No, instead I will focus on your core issue: that bizarre feeling when everyone likes ‘gets’ something but you.
It’s weird, isn’t it? You’re walking through life thinking you’re just a regular ol’ human person. You’re just whistling a tune and minding your bidness when suddenly - out of nowhere - your fellow citizens start going gaga about something that completely baffles you. It’s like you’re in your own personal Twilight Zone where everyone has a pig face or maybe you’re the one with the pig face - I forget what happened in that episode and don’t feel like looking it up right now. You know the show I’m talking about, right? Right. We’re good.
Fidon’t, you are not alone. Sure - not understanding the unconditional love of a dog is bizarre and you’re probably a sociopath, but we all have things that set us apart. As proof, I offer you this - a list of things that other people seem to love/do that I simply don’t understand. Warning: you’re all going to yell at me about this crap:
Jennifer Aniston
So at some point, we all decided that Jennifer Aniston was “funny”? When did this happen?
Don’t get me wrong - I don’t have anything particularly against Jennifer Aniston. She isn’t awful or anything. But any competent actor would have the exact same comic timing and make the exact same acting choices she does with the material she’s given. She’s not bad per se - she’s just so remarkably average. Maybe that’s the appeal? Familiarity and comfort? I can’t figure it out. It seems like we just all collectively picked a random pretty lady to make a beloved comedy icon for decades. It weirds me out.
This feeling is only going to get worse. As she ages, we’re going to start getting all the tributes where people praise Aniston’s comedy chops like she’s the second coming of Lucille Fucking Ball. And I will continue to feel like an alien.
Wine
I am convinced that everyone has conspired to play a giant prank on me that they enjoy wine. How else could anyone choke down this horrid toxic sucktail? I appreciate your commitment to the bit, but you can stop now. Your gag reflex must be exhausted from resisting all the purging of the devil’s grape whizz.
“But Brendan,” you may be screaming at your screen during your high colonic, “You just haven’t had really good wine!” That’s because there’s no such thing. Why don’t you crack open a car battery and chug that down with your roasted flounder? All wine is a gustatory crime against humanity. You people disgust me.
“Wrong answers only”
We all know that this set-up makes the answer automatically unfunny, right? The funny part of a wrong answer is that it’s a surprise. If you telegraph it, you’re expecting the incongruity and thus canceling out the funny part. For example, which is funnier:
Wow! Willem Defoe has really let himself go!
OR:
Who is this? Wrong answers only.
Willem Defoe who has really let himself go.
If you give away the surprise that a wrong answer is coming, it ruins the funny! And yet I see mass participation in this crime against comedy every day. Why am I the only one screaming on the internet about this?
Caring about what movies are #1 at the box office
This one baffles me. People actually seem to give a shit about what is ‘winning’ at the box office like it is a sporting event. Why do we care about this at all? Did I imagine it or wasn’t there a time where we just liked a movie or didn’t like a movie? Or am I just a cranky old man? Stop caring about this! Whether you like a movie or not has nothing to do with how many other people like said movie. It’s a classic example of capitalism sticking its stupid nose in art and we need to stop it!
Pete Davidson
Maybe this is a generational thing. I heard millennials really relate to this guy for some reason. From what I’ve seen of him, I don’t get it. He does this style of comedy I hate that I’ve coined as “pre-bombing.” Low commitment, bailing on the premise, laughing at how badly he’s doing. He is not the only one who does this, but he is the current poster boy for it. It’s like his whole persona is perennially winking at the camera and saying “How did a loser like me end up on this TV show?” You’ve got me, Pete. You’ve got me.
To be fair, I felt the same way about Andy Samberg before I saw Brooklyn 99, so I’m open to this impish line cook-looking dude surprising me. I did like him in his movie that Judd Apatow did. Yes, he played a version of himself but that isn’t as easy to do as it seems. But he was easily the weakest part of his own movie (Steve Buscemi and Bill Burr were fantastic). But I’m going to need to see a little effort, kid! He has been hammering away at the “I still live with my mom” jokes for over a decade. People seem to be interested in who he’s dating. Maybe that’s the appeal? Shrug.
Dunkin’s Coffee
I know this is blasphemous because I’m from Boston but… how do people think this is good coffee? I get the convenience of it. You’re on the go and you need a quick jolt of caffeine? Fine. Stop by one of the several thousand Dunkin locations on your street in Brighton or Lowell or whatever. But look at this!
This man basically has unlimited resources and he’s voluntarily having Dunkin’s coffee delivered to his home? This is not a choice. This is a cult. “Regular coffee” isn’t half milk with ten pounds of sugar in it! Wake up, sheeple!
It’s just a bunch of people’s pictures, right? When did we get interested in looking at each other’s food and cats and cat food? When someone tries to show me a bunch of photos from their life, I nod politely and look for an opening to fake a massive coronary event. We’re seeking this shit out in our free time now? Is there something else I’m missing here? While I’m at it…
Youtube/Tik Tok/Facebook Stories/Whatever Else the Fuck
It’s basically a television show starring boring people, right? The most fascinating Tik Tok ever made can’t hold a candle to the worst episode of Golden Girls. (Which is the one where Rose has an AIDS scare.)
This is a particularly baffling one for me. For example, Facebook Stories randomly showed me this lady, talking about how she was afraid of wearing jumpsuits because of a specific problem:
You had me at ‘camel toe,’ lady. How can I resist such a great set-up? So I watch the video, waiting for some kind of pay off preferably of the funny variety. She tries on the jump suit and… likes it. She just bought an item and liked the item. Then, took the time to make a video about it. And - presumably - a great many people watch that video and get some sort of satisfaction from it. What the fuck? That’s not a “story.” That’s just another non-event in someone’s everyday fucking life. When something is a “story,” I expect something to “happen.” Maybe it’s just me, but if you set me up in the first act with camel toe, you better pay off in the third act with something like this:
Going Outside
It’s awful out there. Allergies, sunburns, hornets. They invented inside. Stay in it.
This is of course an incomplete list of course, Fidon’t. There are many things in life that the other humans like that I don’t understand. So rest assured - you are not alone. If I had a comment section, I would invite the readers to chime in. But unfortunately for you, I don’t “get” comment sections. I’m going to care what some random yahoo on the internet thinks? Your participation in this column means nothing to me. Nothing!
Hey! Keep those advice letters coming, pals! Can’t write it without you! Love youuuuuuuuu!
Boogie Writes is a completely independent endeavor by one hard-working funnyman trying to make his way in the world today (which takes everything you’ve got.) If you like what you read, please subscribe, support, and tell a friend! Also - do you need advice? Of course you do! Send your queries to brendan@brendanboogie.com with “Dear Boogie” in the subject and get some solid or at least passable advice!