Hockey is the Worst
As regular readers can probably tell, my mind has been on sports lately. I’m re-evaluating my historically toxic relationship with the whole ‘being a fan’ thing. As luck would have it, this week is the start of the NHL hockey season. Whenever the subject of hockey comes up, I have a go-to joke:
“I’ve got a plan to prevent crime in this country. Put up a sign at every school reading ‘Youth Hockey Tryouts.’ Every kid that shows up? Send them straight to juvie!”
You may be thinking: is this going to be some sort of bitter, juvenile takedown piece on the glorious sport of ice hockey? Yes. Yes it is.
Learning that, you may be thinking: what happened - did a bunch of asshole hockey players bully you as a kid? Yes. Yes they did.
Upon getting that information, you may be thinking: so what’s to stop us from dropping the gloves and pounding your stupid wussy face right now? Well, the joke’s on you because I live in southern California! There’s no ice here! Your skates are useless! You’ll never catch me, you mulleted toothless goons!
But seriously, hockey is the worst.
Before you argue with me - no, it’s not just that it's impossible to follow the puck on TV (although it is) and it’s not just that it’s incredibly fast-paced but yet still somehow a low-scoring snoozefest (although it is). No, my main beef with hockey is this:
Professional hockey is the only major sport with violence purposely built in as a problem solver.
What am I talking about? There are fights in almost every sport! Who doesn’t love a brawl on the baseball field or an NBA game? And yes - I am human. My pulse jumps when a batter charges the mound or Larry Bird takes down that piece of shit Bill Laimbeer. There’s an important difference, though. Those are heat of the moment losses of temper. The referees (and usually coaches and teammates) jump in to break the fight up. The fight is against the rules. It’s not supposed to happen. In hockey, the refs just stand there and watch them fight. It is an intentional part of the game.
But Brendan - you may be yelling and frothing at this point - since when are you so anti-violence in your entertainment? You’re a pro wrestling fan! And we know for a fact that you are a TV producer for a mixed martial arts show? What kind of hypocrite are you? Oh, I’m a tremendous hypocrite. And I am not anti-violence in my entertainment. In wrestling, it is staged violence solving a fictional problem. No problem! In combat sports, it is real violence but not solving any personal problem. No problem! The violence is a test of skill. Getting punched is not a punishment for some perceived crime or rule infraction. There is no “stay in line or you get punched.” In the NHL, the fights are designed for the players to ‘police’ each other.
So what’s wrong with that? Well, fundamentally I don’t believe violence solves problems. It’s a bad message. Violence only leads to more violence. You know that loudmouth asshole down the corner that needs a beating so he learns to shut up about whatever? Yeah, it turns out hitting him doesn’t actually teach that lesson. He just takes his humiliation from that beating and unleashes his violence on someone weaker, usually his wife or his kids. You know that Nazi we feel so satisfied punching? Turns out he doesn’t disappear into a puff of smoke. He just digs into his sick world view, finds fellow assholes, and targets vulnerable communities to attack to regain his perceived manhood. And let’s not get started on the police, shall we? Violence doesn’t solve problems. It doesn’t. I will die on this hill.
Whoa - we were talking about hockey and Brendan jumped to domestic violence and Nazis? He must really hate hockey! I mean, I do. But I am of course not blaming hockey for any of these societal problems. It is - after all - just entertainment. The NHL simply added fighting in the 1970s and 80s to increase popularity. The violence in hockey isn’t even really that bad, even compared to other sports. But it’s the underlying message I have a problem with: the system allows and even encourages deviants to be dealt with violently. It is fundamentally morally wrong.
My friend/fellow bass player Canadian Thunder (yes, I named him that) loves to argue with me about my disdain of hockey. He says “In Canada, hockey players beat the living shit out of each other on the ice, shake hands, and go drink a beer together.” To which I respond… they’re Canadians! Canadians are decent people! For the most part, Canadian’s general kindness can offset the violent undertones inherent in hockey.
In fairness, I have enjoyed myself at a live college hockey game and watched an Olympic hockey game or two on TV. So ultimately, my problem is with the NHL. And I have heard that they have toned down the emphasis on fighting over the last several years. But still - it’s a sick message.
In conclusion, hockey is terrible and you are wrong for enjoying it. That being said… SLAP SHOT is a pretty funny movie. That’s all I’m giving you jerks.
Boogie Writes is a completely independent endeavor by one hard-working funnyman trying to make his way in the world today (which takes everything you’ve got.) If you like what you read, please subscribe, support, and tell a friend! Also - do you need advice? Of course you do! Send your queries to brendan@brendanboogie.com with “Dear Boogie” in the subject and get some solid or at least passable advice!