Hot Tips for a Great Summer!
You know what I like about Substack? The cross promotion. Since I’m traveling this week, I thought I’d hand off this week’s edition to guest columnists Cici and Don from The Happy Couple Newsletter.
Hi fam! It’s Cici and Don - your favorite cis hetero middle aged couple! We’re here to remind you that happiness is a choice! Fifty is the new cocaine! We may not always agree on everything, but we do agree on this: enjoying the summer is da bomb! Here are our hot tips for a great summer!
Don’s Tip #1: Enjoy the great outdoors!
While not everyone lives near a beach or a lake, an outdoor getaway can really supercharge the summer fun! Even if it’s something as simple as a picnic in the park, get your patootie outside and catch some rays!
Cici’s Tip #1: Try swinging!
Sure, you love your husband. Things have been workmanlike solid in that department for a while. But the summer is the time for awakenings! Open things up! See what happens!
Don’s Tip #2: Everyone loves a cookout!
Uh… yeah. Ok. Summer is the time for barbecues! Whether you’re a propane-powered grillmaster or a newbie with a baby hibachi, nothing brings people together like the sweet smell of meat! Be sure to include vegan options so everyone can feel at home!
Cici’s Tip # 2: Spend more time with your neighbor Gregory!
He used to be an illusionist, but now he’s transitioning into club DJing. Just one stolen afternoon with Gregory will shake your very foundation. He doesn’t even have to touch you! Just the way he whispers your name will set your nethers afire!
Don’s Tip #3: Make yourself a summer playlist!
Having a fun soundtrack for your summer will help create memories… wait, Cici. Are you fucking our neighbor Gregory?
Cici’s Tip #3: Take a risk!
Let’s concentrate on the summer tips, honey. Summer is the perfect time to do something outside your comfort zone! Why not try hang gliding? Bungee jumping? Getting tied up by a swarthy neighbor only to be released moments before your husband brings your daughter home from field hockey practice?
Don’s Tip #4: Don’t forget the sunblock!
Forget the sunblock! What is going on here? Is our marriage in trouble, Cici?
Cici’s Tip #4: Catch fireflies!
Nothing captures the summer magic of childhood like chasing fireflies! Be a kid again!
Don’s Tip #5: Make s’mores around a campfire!
Don’t ignore me, Cici! Clearly, we have some major marital issues we need to talk about!
Cici’s Tip #5: Eat healthy!
Will you just focus on the article, Don? During the summer months, it’s tempting to fill up on burgers and ice cream. But the lighter you eat, the lighter you feel. Giving you energy for more fun summer activities!
Don’s Tip #6: Visit a local farmer’s market!
“Fun summer activities” like getting plowed by that eyebrow-threaded velvet shitbird Gregory?
Cici’s Tip #6: Eat fresh watermelon!
You know what? Gregory was right. You just don’t get me anymore. I haven’t had an orgasm in years!
Don’s Tip #7: File for divorce!
Divorce can be expensive, but some lawyers have special summer rates you can take advantage of!
Gregory’s Tip #1: Make your neighbor’s wife disappear!
POOF!
Don’s Tip #8: Take lots of photos!
What? Where did that asshole come from? Cici? Where are you?
Um… so yeah… this summer make sure to take lots of photos so you can capture those precious memories… (breaks down sobbing)
Boogie Writes is a completely independent endeavor by one hard-working funnyman trying to make his way in the world today (which takes everything you’ve got.) If you like what you read, please subscribe, support, and tell a friend! Also - do you need advice? Of course you do! Send your queries to brendan@brendanboogie.com with “Dear Boogie” in the subject and get some solid or at least passable advice!