How to Sell Your Screenplay
So you want to write movies, eh? In case you didn’t know, let me give you some hard-earned wisdom: screenwriting is a competitive business. There are at least a half dozen writers in the Los Angeles area alone striving to be professional screenwriters. But don’t worry, my little Joe Esterhazes - your boy Brendo has some hot tips for ensuring your victory on the proverbial battlefield of the metaphorical war that is the theoretical concept of selling your script.
Hot Tip #1: Have your script be really good! I can’t emphasize this part enough. While you may be tempted to write something that isn’t all that good, you’ll have a lot better luck selling a script that is actually good. A lot of people overlook this critical part of screenwriting, but it is really the most important. If your script is bad, people are less likely to buy it. Which brings me to…
Hot Tip #2: Make sure people like it! In order to sell your script, you are going to have people actually read it. This can’t be avoided. But a lot of people don’t realize: an important step is that the people who read your script actually like it. So make it likeable! Be undeniable! Have your script be an undeniable force of like that people can’t help but like! The best way to do that is…
Hot Tip #3: Be really good at writing! So… yeah. Just be good at writing. If you’re good at writing, you will write a good script that people like. That’s really the best way to go about it and… hmmm… let’s see what else…
Hot Tip #4: Screenwriting is a business. Right, so Hollywood isn’t a charity. Well, there are several charities that operate out of Hollywood, but you know what I mean. Charity events are quite common in the greater Los Angeles area. There is a lot of wealth and many people in the entertainment industry are conscious of public image, so local non-profits often leverage that into fundraising. Wait - what was the question? Oh, right… tips to make it as a screenwriter.
Hot Tip #5: Try to be a person who has already written an award-winning screenplay. This would really make things easier for you. An Oscar would of course be preferable, but it would still help if you’ve won a Golden Globe or a BAFTA or something like that. So try to be a person who has done that.
Hot Tip #6: Write something with Mark Ruffalo in it. Don’t you love him? He’s gentle and yet that somehow doesn’t undercut his masculinity. Could you write something where he and Paul Rudd kiss? I think we’d all like to see that, right? Hubba hubba!
Hot Tip #7: Write your entire script in calligraphy with a quill. Many young writers make the mistake of using a screenwriting software program like Final Draft, WriteHard, Second-to-Last Draft, and Typey Machiney Thing. This is a rookie error! Most major studios won’t even look at a script unless it is adorned in beautiful, professional level calligraphy. Also, tie a purple ribbon around the script when you deliver it. Not a green ribbon! A green ribbon means you’re gay and want to fuck the courier. Many aspiring screenwriters have had their careers derailed by a distractingly hot, gay courier. Don’t fall into that classic trap!
Hot Tip #8: Be sure to register your script with the Center for Disease Control. It’s not only good sense. It’s the law.
Hot Tip #9: Be an excellent writer with a good script. I don’t think I mentioned this part yet, but it’s really important! Make sure you take the time to develop good writing skills and tell a compelling story that people are going to like. Consider writing more than one draft. Only if the second draft is better than the first, though! Don’t mess with perfection!
Hot Tip #10: Abandon all hope, ye who enter here. Oh, you poor wretched souls! Turn your virgin eye from the madness! Your skin will boil and your blood will thicken to a sticky black paste! Screenwriting be damned! You are the harsh spike of insanity up our collective tuckus!
And it’s just that simple! Any fuckwad with a typewriter can do it! So just follow these hot tips and I’ll see youuuuuuu… at the movies!
Boogie Writes is a completely independent endeavor by one hard-working funnyman trying to make his way in the world today (which takes everything you’ve got.) If you like what you read, please subscribe, support, and tell a friend! Also - do you need advice? Of course you do! Send your queries to brendan@brendanboogie.com with “Dear Boogie” in the subject and get some solid or at least passable advice!