Insurance Phone Calls
PHONE CALL #1
Abigail: Hi, this is Abigail at OyMyGoiter Medical Supply Company. Your doctor recently ordered you a CPAP machine, correct?
Brendan: Yes, apparently I’m at high risk for just dying in my sleep. But isn’t that the way we all want to go? Peacefully in our sleep? Would that be so bad really, Abigail?
Abigail: … so do you want to order the CPAP machine or not?
Brendan: Oh, I suppose. Pardon my dark musings, Abigail. It is in my nature to ponder the bleakness of it all. But yes - let’s get that CPAP machine going. I’ve probably got a few productive decades left on earth. Plus, I’ll get to sleep like Darth Vader! That’s fun, right?
Abigail: … ok. So your insurance covers 50% of the machine, so you’ll need to pay us $469.
Brendan: Well that doesn’t make any sense. My doctor prescribed this to me so I don’t die in my sleep. That must have been coded wrong. Can you check again?
Abigail: Your insurance is showing 50% coverage for medical equipment.
Brendan: Even ‘die in my sleep’ medical equipment?
Abigail: That’s not a specific category on the website, but yes. If you have any questions, you should call your insurance company.
Brendan: Will do, Abigail! Back in a jiff!
PHONE CALL #2:
Lily: Thank you for calling Second Mortgage Health Insurance. This is Lily. How can I help you today?
Brendan: Hi, I was just told that my CPAP machine - which will apparently prevent me from dying in my sleep - is only 50% covered. There must be some mistake.
Lily: Let me look… no, that is a mistake. You are fully covered.
Brendan: Oh, thank you Lily. I knew that the whole point of paying into insurance was to be covered in situations like these.
Lily: Exactly. That’s the whole point of insurance, right? I’ll call the medical supply company right now and authorize full coverage.
Brendan: Thank you so much, Lily. You have a wonderful day! If I were going to take the survey after the phone call, I would rate you very highly! But of course you understand I don’t have time for such things.
Lily: My bonuses are tied to those survey results…
Brendan: Have a great day, Lily!
PHONE CALL #3
Gavin: Hello this is Gavin at OyMyGoiter Medical Supply Company. How may I help you?
Brendan: Good morning - I’m just double checking that my insurance company called and that my CPAP machine is fully covered.
Gavin: Let me just look here. Nope. 50% coverage.
Brendan: Yes, but I just had a phone call a few days ago with my insurance company and they said I was fully covered and they would call you and straighten it out.
Gavin: We never received a call.
Brendan: But… she said she was going to call.
Gavin: You can have them call again. You know what is helpful? If you have them conference call with you on the line.
Brendan: So I need to take time out of my day and supervise two adults to assure they do their jobs?
Gavin: … that’s one way of looking at it, I guess.
Brendan: Ok, I’m going to call the insurance company again.
Gavin: If you could just hold the line for a brief survey…. CLICK
PHONE CALL #4:
Horst: Thank you for calling Second Mortgage Health Insurance. This is Horst. How can I assist you today?
Brendan: Did you say your name was Horse?
Horst: No, Horst. With a t. It’s Norwegian.
Brendan: Ok, good. I thought for a moment I was talking to a horse.
Horst: I get that a lot, but no sir. I can assure you that you’re not talking to a horse. What can I help you with today?
Brendan: I called a few days ago and was told that my CPAP machine was fully covered. But then the medical supply company says I still owe half.
Horst: Yes, I’m looking at your plan and it looks like it is covered 50%.
Brendan: But I talked to someone that said that wasn’t true and I was fully covered.
Horst: I see a note here that you did talk to someone, yes.
Brendan: And they said I was fully covered?
Horst: No, the note doesn’t say that.
Brendan: What does it say?
Horst: Just that you talked to someone.
Brendan: That’s it? The subject of the conversation isn’t notated in any way? We didn’t talk about the fucking Houston Oilers, Horst!
Horst: What are the Houston Oilers?
Brendan: Never mind! I don’t have the time to educate you on Warren Moon right now! Just punch in some keys and get the answer that I got a few days ago that means I don’t have to pay 50% of the stupid machine that I’m going to hate but is going to keep me from dying in my sleep.
Horst: I am sorry, sir. Your coverage is only 50%.
Brendan: But… the other lady said I was covered! Can I talk to her again? Or someone else who will give me the answer I want?
Horst: I understand your frustration, sir. But the policy is clear.
Brendan: So what was the other lady looking at?
Horst: I don’t know, sir. It’s not in the note.
Brendan: Let me talk to her.
Horst: I can’t.
Brendan: Why not, Horst?
Horst: Because it’s policy.
Brendan: Horst, I swear to fucking God…
Horst: Offensive language will not be tolerated. CLICK
Brendan: No! I’m sorry, Horst! Come back, Horst! Hooooooorst!!!
PHONE CALL #5
Amy: Suicide hotline, this is Amy.
Brendan: I just talked to my health insurance company.
Amy: Understood. We’ll send an ambulance right away.
Brendan: How much is that going to cost me?
Amy: You’ll have to call your insurance company. Sir? Sir, are you there?
Boogie Writes is a completely independent endeavor by one hard-working funnyman trying to make his way in the world today (which takes everything you’ve got.) If you like what you read, please subscribe, support, and tell a friend! Also - do you need advice? Of course you do! Send your queries to brendan@brendanboogie.com with “Dear Boogie” in the subject and get some solid or at least passable advice!