Recently, I had the opportunity to interview former President Abraham Lincoln. Unfortunately, to land the interview I had to agree to a few ‘off limits’ topics. President Lincoln’s publicist insisted we not cover any of the following topics: slavery, the Civil War, Reconstruction, racism, the South, the North, the debates with Douglas, his presidency, his law practice, his wife Mary Todd Lincoln, anyone in his family, or his beard. Still, I was excited to sit down with one of the top seven presidents of all time. Here is our chat, unedited:
Brendan: So… shawls, huh?  Â
Lincoln:Â Excuse me?
Brendan: Shawls. It seems like you’re into shawls. You like ‘em?
Lincoln:Â Sure. I like shawls.
Brendan:Â Yeah. You seem like you do.
Lincoln:Â Why do you say that?
Brendan:Â Just from, like, pictures and junk. You seem like you like wearing shawls.
Lincoln:Â Yes, I suppose. They keep your shoulders warm in the winter. Do you like shawls?
Brendan: Not really a shawl guy myself, no. I like hats, though. How do you decide what hat you’re going to wear?
Lincoln’s Publicist: Nope. No hat talk.
Brendan: I can’t talk about hats?
Lincoln’s Publicist: President Lincoln has answered all the questions about hats. Hats are off limits.
Brendan: Hats weren’t on the list! I can’t ask about hats?
Lincoln’s Publicist: If you say the word ‘hats’ one more time, we are walking out of here right now.
Brendan: Ok, ok - I won’t ask about… head things. I apologize, Mr. President.
Lincoln: It’s ok. You didn’t know.
Brendan: Exactly! I didn’t know! It was an honest mistake. Oh… honest! Honest Abe! When did you get the nickname Honest Abe?
Lincoln: That’s not my nickname. Where’d you get that?Â
Brendan: Â History books and school, I guess?
Lincoln: That’s bullshit. That’s not my nickname.
Brendan: Not to contradict you, but I’ve heard lots of people call you Honest Abe. It’s like, the main thing they call you.
Lincoln:Â Nope. No one has ever called me that.
Brendan: Really? What is your nickname?
Lincoln: Â Terry No Tits.
Brendan:Â Terry No Tits?
Lincoln:  That’s right.
Brendan:Â Why do they call you Terry No Tits?
Lincoln: Â Look at me. Do you see any tits?
Brendan: Â No.
Lincoln:  Exactly. Hence, Terry No Tits. It’s basically all anybody calls me. I actually asked them to swear me in as President Terry No Tits at the inauguration but Edwin Stanton said it was unconstitutional or some shit. He was such a hard ass.
Brendan:  Speaking of Secretary Stanton…
Lincoln’s Publicist: Eh eh.
Brendan: Right. Stanton is off limits too. Ok. Well… I’m stumped. What would you like to talk about?
Lincoln: Thanks for asking, Brendan. As you may know, the good people at Demon Dick Energy Drink are celebrating my birthday with a new flavor: Grape-raham Drinkin’.
Brendan: That’s how I landed this interview? Because you’re pushing energy drinks?
Lincoln:  Get it? Grape-raham because it’s grape flavored. And Drinkin’ because you drink it. And it rhymes with Lincoln.
Brendan:  Yeah, I get it. It’s just… I admire you so much. I was hoping we could have a more substantive conversation than talking about shawls and energy drinks.
Lincoln: You’re the one who brought up shawls, dude! I don’t give a shit about shawls!
Brendan: I’m sorry! But what was I supposed to bring up? Any topic of interest was off limits. What am I supposed to do here, Mr. President?
Lincoln: That sounds like a ‘you’ problem, Marty Medium Tits.
Brendan:  … you think my tits are ‘medium’?
Lincoln: They’re not small, bro.
Lincoln’s Publicist: And… we’re out of time. Thanks so much!
This interview was brought to you by Demon Dick Energy Drink. Try Grape-raham Drinkin’ today! Available where local douchebags congregate.
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