Interviews with Historical Figures: Santa Claus
Tis the fa la la season, everyone! So in continuing with my Interviews with Historical Figures series, I was excited to sit down for an interview with the supreme cheese of the season himself, the one and only Santa Claus!
Brendan: Santa, I really appreciate you taking the time to do this interview. I know this is your busy time of year.
Santa: Ho ho ho! It’s no no no problem! And please - call me Mr. Claus.
Brendan: Oh. I’m sorry.
Santa: No need for apologies. We just don’t know each other well enough to use first names. It’s kind of an old-fashioned courtesy thing.
Brendan: Understood. Well, Mr. Claus - I do appreciate you taking the time to sit down and do this interview. I’ve got a lot of questions about the meaning of Christmas throughout history…
Santa: Do you mind standing during this?
Brendan: You want to do the whole interview standing?
Santa: No, I’m going to sit. I’d like you to stand. I’m quite a bit older than you, so it’s really the polite thing to do.
Brendan: Oh, sure. No problem. (stands up) I wasn’t aware of that social convention. Is that a North Pole thing?
Santa: It’s a common courtesy thing.
Brendan: I’m sorry - have I offended you in some way?
Santa: Me? It’s impossible for you to offend me. I’m an ageless celestial being. I’m just trying to help you get off the… well, you know.
Brendan: You’re trying to help me get off what?
Santa: Come on, son. Don’t make me say it. There are two lists. There’s the one you want to be on and then there’s the… other one…
Brendan: Are you saying I’m on the naughty list?
Santa: I’m sorry. That’s confidential information.
Brendan: I am! I’m on the naughty list! What did I do?
Santa: I really shouldn’t say…
Brendan: Come on! You brought it up. This is heavy. I’ve got to know why.
Santa: You shot Betty White!
Brendan: What? No I didn’t.
Santa: Oh yeah? I don’t see Betty White tap dancing around here, do you?
Brendan: Betty White was like 99 when she died! I didn’t shoot her!
Santa: I read on the internet that you strode up and shot Betty White in the face.
Brendan: That’s insane! I never did that! Where on the internet did you read that?
Santa: NPoleChan.
Brendan: What is NPoleChan?
Santa: It’s like 4Chan but for North Pole-related news.
Brendan: That’s how you get your information on who’s on the naughty list?
Santa: How else am I supposed to know who is naughty and nice?
Brendan: I don’t know! Santa magic?
Santa: No way, dude. NPoleChan is way more reliable. It’s totally uncensored free speech. They tell what the government won’t say!
Brendan: Santa is a conspiracy theorist?
Santa: Please. It’s Mr. Claus. Did you know that Frosty the Snowman is undocumented?
Brendan: He’s a snowman! Snowmen need documentation?
Santa: Oh yeah. Frosty is lazy and trying to take all our jobs. He needs to watch out for ICE. Get it? ICE? Because he’s a snowman?
Brendan: Ok, that is kind of a funny burn but I’ve got to say - I don’t get it. Santa Claus is a symbol of kindness and good to children everywhere. I didn’t expect you to be radicalized by the fringe right wing.
Santa: Oh no - is this more woke-aganda from the pro-Frosty snowflakes. Snowflakes! Get it? Ho ho ho!
Brendan: I’m so disappointed right now.
Santa: What did you expect my politics to be? I’m an old white guy. So I guess… what do you want for Christmas?
Brendan: My hope for humanity back?
Santa: How about one of those Tesla cyber trucks. Those are cool, right?
Brendan: Good grief. Merry Christmas everyone!
Boogie Writes is a completely independent endeavor by one hard-working funnyman trying to make his way in the world today (which takes everything you’ve got.) If you like what you read, please subscribe, support, and tell a friend! Also - do you need advice? Of course you do! Send your queries to brendan@brendanboogie.com with “Dear Boogie” in the subject and get some solid or at least passable advice!