Interviews with Historical Figures: Napoleon Bonaparte
I was honored to sit down with one of the most important figures in European history, the Emperor of France from 1804-1814: Napoleon Bonaparte. We spoke through a translator.
Brendan: Thank you so much for agreeing to this interview, Napoleon.
Napoleon: I must warn you - I am not in a great mood this morning.
Brendan: I’m sorry about that. What happened?
Napoleon: My dry cleaner mixed up tickets and gave my jacket to another customer. It took two hours to track it down. It truly was my Waterloo.
Brendan: Uh… yeah. That can be really frustrating for sure. And I apologize it took so long to set up this interview.
Napoleon: It was my fault. I couldn’t get my Google calendar to sync up with my iPhone. That thing is really my Waterloo.
Brendan: (to translator) Is he really saying that?
Translator: Is he saying what?
Brendan: Does he keep referring to things as his Waterloo? Or are you adding that in because it’s an idiom in English?
Translator: I’m the translator. I’m translating exactly what he’s saying. I’m a little offended you would suggest otherwise.
Brendan: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything by it.
Translator: It’s fine. Just… talk to him. Pretend I’m not here.
Brendan: Ok. So Napoleon - the first question I want to ask is the misconceptions about your height. Despite frequently being portrayed as short, you are actually average height.
Napoleon: Ah yes. The whole “Napoleon complex” thing. It is ridiculous. My political enemies made cartoons about me portraying me as short and for some reason it stuck. It’s been quite vexing. The whole thing has truly been my Waterloo.
Brendan: (to translator) Okay, that’s really what he’s saying?
Translator: What?
Brendan: Napoleon is referring to things as his Waterloo?
Translator: It’s a common expression.
Brendan: But his Waterloo was the actual Waterloo!
Translator: Why are you yelling at me? I’m just the translator!
Napoleon: (says something in French)
Brendan: What did he say?
Translator: I don’t want to tell you.
Brendan: Why not?
Translator: I’m mad at you. You questioned my integrity.
Brendan: I wasn’t questioning your integrity. I was just really shocked that Napoleon would use - and quite frankly overuse - the expression “that was my Waterloo.”
Translator: I take my job very seriously. I didn’t spend six years in translator school to be treated like this.
Brendan: Translator school?
Translator: What - you think I didn’t go to translator school?
Brendan: I guess I just assumed that if anyone who was fluent in both languages you could be a translator. I didn’t realize it took a special school.
Translator: Your lack of respect for me is astounding.
Napoleon: (says something in French)
Brendan: What did he say?
Translator: He said your lack of respect for me is astounding.
Brendan: No he didn’t.
Translator: Yes he did!
Brendan: He said the exact same thing you did? Right after you said it? Even though he doesn’t understand English?
Translator: Oh, he understands English.
Brendan: He does? (to Napoleon) You understand English?
Napoleon: (in English) Of course I do. You think I am an Emperor without speaking the English?
Brendan: Why did you bring a translator then?
Napoleon: I did not bring this man. I thought he was with you.
Brendan: No, I didn’t hire the translator.
(Brendan and Napoleon turn to the translator.)
Translator. (pulls on collar) Wow. This situation has really turned into my Waterloo, hasn’t it?
Cut to black followed by the Benny Hill Theme song.
Boogie Writes is a completely independent endeavor by one hard-working funnyman trying to make his way in the world today (which takes everything you’ve got.) If you like what you read, please subscribe, support, and tell a friend! Also - do you need advice? Of course you do! Send your queries to brendan@brendanboogie.com with “Dear Boogie” in the subject and get some solid or at least passable advice!