And now, another installment in my fascinating series of interviews with history’s most interesting people. This time, I sat down with former First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt. As I should expect by now, things didn’t go as I expected…
Brendan: Mrs. Roosevelt - it is such a pleasure to speak with you. In addition to being the longest running First Lady in US history, you were a diplomat and activist during one of the most interesting periods in US history…
Roosevelt: Pth pth pop! Pth-pth-POP! Wiggy wiggy wah! Wiggy wiggy wah!
Brendan: I’m sorry, are you… beat boxing?
Roosevelt: (rapping) My name is Eazy Ro and I’m here to say! /I’m repping Manhattan in a major way!/All the rappers said that I wouldn’t go far!/But I gave this sweet booty to FDR!
Brendan: Okay, I’m really confused. Why are you rapping? Badly?
Roosevelt: (still rapping) Been around the world from Rome to Algeria/ Didn’t cry when my mom died of diptheria/Out of all the First Ladies, I’m the baddest chick/So that Lady Bird Johnson can suck my…
Brendan: Hey, come on! Is that really necessary?
Roosevelt: I keep it real. I’m from the streets of New York.
Brendan: You were born in tremendous privilege to Manhattan socialites.
Roosevelt: Who died when I was really young! Weren’t you listening to my rap? I rhymed Algeria with diphtheria for crap’s sake!
Brendan: I’m not denying you had a difficult childhood. I’m just confused as to why you’re rapping.
Roosevelt: I have to stay hip.
Brendan: Right, but that “My name is blank and I’m here to say” is from like 40 years ago.
Roosevelt: Oh really? How do people rap now?
Brendan: I have no idea. Why are you concerned about being hip? You are one of the most beloved and respected figures in world history.
Roosevelt: Pft. Tell that to those cutthroat bitches in the First Ladies Rap Battles.
Brendan: What are “First Ladies Rap Battles’?
Roosevelt: Uh oh. We’re about find out.
Mamie Eisenhower: What’s up, bitcheeeeees!
Roosevelt: Oh no. Mamie is ruthless.
Eisenhower: I’m a fashion plate, unlike you I’m straight/Mr. John Foster Dulles was our Sec of State/I’ve got rhymes I’ve got rhymes to keep your head buzzin/You hated having sex because your man was your cousin…
Brendan: OHHHHHH!
Roosevelt: Don’t give her an “OHHHH!” I thought you were on my side!
Brendan: Sorry. It’s just - that one was really harsh.
Roosevelt: Oh yeah? How about this one? (rapping)Mamie Mamie don’t be such a prissy lady/I’ll eat your crotch turkey til you’re spurting gravy…
Eisenhower: Whoa whoa whoa!
Roosevelt: What? Too far?
Eisenhower: I’m a fifties housewife from Iowa, Eleanor! Cripes!
Roosevelt: You brought up the cousin fucking thing! So I’m the bad guy now for a little cunnilingus joke?
[Mamie Eisenhower tsks and storms off.]
Roosevelt: Jeez. So sexually repressed.
Brendan: Well, it was a different time.
Roosevelt: I thought it was very clever.
Brendan: Yeah, I liked it.
Roosevelt: I bet you did, you perv.
[Eleanor Roosevelt walks away.]
Brendan: So… we’re done? I guess we’re done.
Boogie Writes is a completely independent endeavor by one hard-working funnyman trying to make his way in the world today (which takes everything you’ve got.) If you like what you read, please subscribe, support, and tell a friend! Also - do you need advice? Of course you do! Send your queries to brendan@brendanboogie.com with “Dear Boogie” in the subject and get some solid or at least passable advice!