My Application for a Nobel Prize
I know it’s a long shot, but I’m deciding to manifest my dreams and going for a Nobel Prize this year. Since I’ll probably need a groundswell of support to make it happen, I’m sharing with you my letter to the Nobel Prize committee. Fingers crossed!
Dear Nobel Prize Committee,
First off, I know I’m breaking the rules by nominating myself for a Nobel Prize. But I’m kind of a rebel. A maverick. I laugh in the face of “rules.” And isn’t that the sort of original, independent thinker you want on this year’s Nobel stage? Also, my cousin Craig was supposed to write my application for me, but he totally flaked again.
I am sure you’re being inundated by applications so I don’t want to waste any of your time the way my cousin Craig wastes my time at every turn! I swear, if that guy weren’t family I’d have “accidentally” shoved him into my Uncle Trevor’s wood chipper by now. ANYwho, I think I am an excellent choice for this year’s Nobel Prize recipient.
First off, I think I’m a pretty nice guy. Most people tend to like me. I pretty much get along with just about everyone. To be clear - I wasn’t serious about the whole “throwing my cousin Craig into a wood chipper” thing. I was just venting my frustrations because I also lent him $300 like 2 years ago and he doesn’t even mention it anymore. It’s like it never happened. You know how family is. But I don’t think a single violent fantasy about my cousin Craig should be held against me. I’m a human being. Nobel Prize winners aren’t supposed to be perfect, right?
As for my qualifications, I’d say I’m pretty good at stuff. When I was in school, teachers would frequently write “excellent” on my tests and papers. I was lousy with “excellents”! But it wasn’t just school. I’m known around town as a pretty excellent guy. I would say that I exhibit an overall excellence just in general, walking around.
This brings me to my next point: I’m not picky about which category of Nobel Prize you award me. I know a lot of the candidates are all uptight about their particular discipline. “I’m a physicist! I’m a poet! Blah blah blah blah!” I have no such hang ups. I will take whatever version of the prize you want to give me. In fact, if your committee is deadlocked between two candidates in a category, why not throw that prize my way? I’m a viable third option. Or maybe you could invent a new category like the Nobel Prize in Pornography or something. The point is - I’ll gladly take any Nobel Prize you want to throw at me. I’ll do it with a smile!
But why now? Well, I’ve been pretty good for a while now without a whole lot of recognition. I know this may be hard to believe, but I have gone my entire life without winning a Nobel Prize. If that seems like a massive oversight to you, I’ve got to say I agree with you. Was it politics? Unconscious prejudice against me? Willful malice? I honestly don’t know. But what I do know is that the time is now to fix this obvious miscarriage of justice.
Now, I know usually there is some specific achievement for which people win the Nobel Prize. What did I do lately? I’m glad you asked:
I didn’t make any jokes about those billionaires stuck in the submarine. I thought of some good ones and didn’t say them. I’m still not going to say them now. That’s got to be worth something.
I have never worn yoga pants even though they look like the most comfortable thing in the goddamn world. But I won’t wear them. I’m afraid of the optics of my lycra-twisted sausage and biscuits. I don’t want to put onlookers through that sort of visual trauma. That’s how selfless I am.
Three out of the last seven women I had relations with said “a pleasant time was had.”
My cousin Craig asked if I’d listen to his heavy metal band’s demo tape and I smiled politely while I listened to the whole thing. I couldn’t make out all the lyrics, but there were a lot of veiled threats to former Vice President Dan Quayle. I’m not going to call the secret service, though. Because at the end of the day, I’m pretty sure my cousin Craig isn’t serious and I don’t want to ruin the kid’s life, you know?
Mostly, I feel like I need the Nobel Prize more than most. Usually, it goes to people who are already at the top of their field. They’re already doing great! Whereas I - quite frankly - have had kind of a rough year. I don’t want to get into the details, but let’s just say my investment in that fentanyl vending machine company wasn’t all that thought out. Apparently, there are all sorts of ‘laws’ around distributing a class A substance, especially in roller rinks. So I’m broke and a defendant in several lawsuits, but that shouldn’t disqualify me from a Nobel Prize! If it does, that’s bullshit! Anyway, there are some lumps I’ve taken recently that have put a few dings in my confidence, so a Nobel Prize would be a really nice pick-me-up.
In closing, I am excellent. I will make the Nobel committee proud. Plus, my speech will be awesome. I’ll probably open with a joke (which will NOT be about the billionaires in the submarine) and then say something really heartfelt like “I dedicate this Nobel Prize win to my cousin Craig. He owes me $350, but he’s doing his best.” I know I said earlier that he owed me $300 but I think it’s totally reasonable to assess interest, don’t you? It’s been two years! What the fuck, Craig?
Yours in Christ,
Brendan Boogie - Top Notch Nobel Prize Candidate
Boogie Writes is a completely independent endeavor by one hard-working funnyman trying to make his way in the world today (which takes everything you’ve got.) If you like what you read, please subscribe, support, and tell a friend! Also - do you need advice? Of course you do! Send your queries to brendan@brendanboogie.com with “Dear Boogie” in the subject and get some solid or at least passable advice!