New COVID Variants

If you’re paying attention to the CDC, you’re probably aware that a surge in new COVID variants is being predicted for the fall and winter seasons. As with most novel viruses, the constant mutations make it difficult to stay on top of things. Luckily, I have recently graduated from Barbazon Academy with a degree in infectious disease epidemiology so I am your one-stop source for a preview of all the exciting upcoming COVID variants for the fall season!

Variant 12-KX-7:  In this new variant, you have a sore throat and a headache for a week and an insatiable unrequited lust for noted character actor Fred Melamed.

Break me off a piece of that Melamed!

Variant Z-289 Boyardee:  Features a dry cough, a headache, and pooping your weight in Spaghetti-Os. You may want to pre-emptively get the plumber on the horn for this one.

Variant HI-6BY:  This one is almost exactly like the Delta variant that hit in March 2022, but this time it has a kind of “retro” feel to it. Ah… remember the Delta variant? We were bopping around, listening to the latest hits from The Weeknd and The Chainsmokers, watching the kids from Stranger Things struggle cope with menopause and male pattern baldness while the war in Ukraine wasn’t nearly as boring as it is now. Steven Spielberg’s West Side Story reminded us about what it was like to be a Puerto Rican singing gang member in love. Ah… March 2022. Those were the times, my friends. Those were the times.