Oscar Predictions
It’s time for the big night! No, not your neighbors’ sparsely-attended Valentine’s Day key party. It’s Oscar night! We’re all excited to see which multi-million dollar marketing campaign pays off. It’s not an ugly night of excess and faux importance that underlines the misguided values of our culture at all! Let’s get to the predictions!
The night will begin with confusion when Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon, and tennis legend Jimmy Connors all show up to host. Luckily, the tension is resolved with a skillful diplomatic mediation by former president Jimmy Carter. They all decide to let (the hilarious!) James Corden host the show while the three of them run off to join Jimmy Buffett and Jimmy Page on their “Way Too Many Jimmys” World Tour.
On a side note, I grew up in the Boston area where we called chocolate sprinkles on ice cream “jimmies.” We learned relatively recently that the term may have had a racist origin. So Bostonians universally realized their ignorance and made an easy switch over to ‘chocolate sprinkles,” right? Noooooope! I have had actual conversations with adults who adamantly refuse to stop saying ‘jimmies’ because… I don’t know why? Admitting that you were ignorant about something as a child is somehow worse than being willfully ignorant as an adult? Human beings, am I right? Anyway - back to the Oscars!
Unlike last year’s show, there will be no “slap heard round the world.” But things will get unexpectedly violent when Helen Mirren puts Liza Minnelli in the dreaded figure four leglock for a shocking tap out victory and a shot at the Intercontinental title at WrestleMania.
The musical performances will be mostly unmemorable except a surprise appearance by the Way Too Many Jimmys Band! That’s right - I brought back that stupid joke! And now - onto the awards!
To save TV time, all the crappy “no one cares” awards like Best Editing, Sound Design, and Original Screenplay will be combined into one Best Non-Celebrity Grunt Worker award. The winner will have the statue thrown at them from the window of Gwyneth Paltrow’s moving limousine four hours before the ceremony by the dumpster behind the Dolby Theater. They also get an Appleby’s gift card and a karate chop to the throat.
Brendan Gleeson will win Best Supporting Actor but will humbly refuse the award, stating with a tear in his eye “Honestly, I just don’t think I was supportive enough.” Everyone will think he’s charming and humble and wonderful, not realizing it was all a distraction for Colin Farrell to steal all of our wives. Those crafty Irish devils!
Best Supporting Actress will officially change its name to Most Famous Supporting Actress. It will be won by Jamie Lee-Curtis or Angela Bassett and people will get super mad either way because this whole thing seems to matter to people for some reason.
The Daniels will win Best Director for Everything Everywhere All at Once. They will surprise the audience by swarming the stage with hundreds of Daniels, including Daniel Radcliffe, Daniel Craig, and Daniel Day-Lewis. It’s a running gag, people! I am not above a running gag and quite frankly you should know this about me by now.
In a major upset, Best Picture will surprisingly go not to Top Gun: Maverick but to the original Top Gun from 1986! Tom Cruise will cry tears of joy and sadness as he lovingly embraces the statue in one hand and Goose’s mangled corpse in the other. Since the Top Gun team is dedicated to on-camera authenticity, Anthony Edwards will actually die during the acceptance speech. What a pro!
And finally… Brendan Fraser will win Best Actor, joining Brendan Gleeson for a glorious two-Brendan night. This will have a tremendous ripple effect on the entire worldwide Brendan community. When I order coffee, I can say “Brendan… you know, like Oscar winners Brendan Fraser and Gleeson” so I can finally avoid this bullshit:
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