Post-Operative Instructions

Congratulations on making it through your procedure! Here are some instructions to follow to ensure optimum recovery:

• Smoking. This one is obviously a big no-no. That said, we are medical professionals, We understand the overwhelming power of nicotine addiction. So please do your best to not smoke at least until the end of this sentence.

• Heavy lifting. For the next few days, you may have a strong urge to avoid lifting anything heavy. This is because lifting heavy things is hard and annoying. You should avoid doing it. Not just now, but as a general rule. Lifting things is the worst. 

• Stay away from Nurse Jerry. You are probably not aware of this because you were unconscious at the time, but your procedure was pretty touch-and-go there for a few minutes. As is normal procedure, the hospital staff placed bets on your survival. Usually, it is just a few bucks for some harmless fun, but Nurse Jerry went all in. He bet big on your death. We are worried he’s developed a pretty debilitating gambling problem. Anyway, you should steer clear of him. He’s pretty pissed that you survived.