Questionnaire for Your At-Home Sleep Study

Thank you for participating in this at-home sleep study questionnaire! We here at Sleepex want to provide the best experience to gather your sleep data to diagnose sleep apnea. Your feedback will help us, so please be honest.

Before sleep test:

How much sleep did you get last night?

About 7 hours

Did you get up at all? For what?

I got up 3 times to pee, once to juggle, and once to yell at my fantasy football team for not trying hard enough.

Do you remember dreaming?

Yes.

What did you dream about?

Is… that really relevant to my sleep study?

It helps us figure out how bad your sleep apnea is. What happened?

If you must know, I was having a lightsaber battle with my eighth grade music teacher and then I fell off the bridge of the Death Star into motorboating Helen Mirren’s tits.

Hot. So how bad would you say your snoring is?

I’ve heard it’s pretty bad. Whenever I sleep in the same room with people, they always wake up mad at me.

That’s the worst, isn’t it?

I’m sorry - is this question part of the survey?

No, not really. We’re just trying to empathize. Which is surprisingly hard to do in a written survey. One last question - how comfortable are you with sleeping with a bunch of shit taped to your face?

Not… super comfortable?

Great! You are ready to do your at-home sleep study. Follow the instructions to tape a bunch of shit to your face and have a great night’s sleep!

After sleep test:

So… how’d it go?

That was terrible! Every thirty minutes the little alarm went off saying “Breathing sensor is not reading.” Then, I’d adjust it and fall back asleep only to have it go off in another 30 minutes. That happened all night! I’m a wreck!

Great! So would you rate your experience as a) excellent, b) super excellent, c) super duper excellent, or d) elephant-sized orgasm excellent?

None! None of those options!

Sorry. You have to pick one.

Or what?

Or we can’t finish the survey.

And what happens if we don’t finish the survey?

You’ll have another in a long line of things you didn’t finish in your life. It will eat at you, eroding your already fragile sense of self-worth.

Wait - how did you know that about me? Did your little sensors read my mind?

Mayyyyyyybe….

Fine. What’s the lowest rating I can give?

I think it was b) super excellent.

No it wasn’t! It was a) excellent!

Great! So your experience was excellent! Thank you for taking this survey!

Wait - do I have sleep apnea?

Oh yeah. And you also have Crohn’s disease, Lou Gehrig’s disease, and double reverse AIDS.

Damn. That doesn’t sound good. 

We think it’s best that you hear it from us: a written survey. 

I… guess…

Also, we dosed you with Barbizon so you are about to pass out again.

Wait - you did what? Isn’t Barbizon a beauty academy?

Good night, my sweet chubby cherub!

You’ll pay for this, Sleep Study Survey! Zzzzzzzzzz…..

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