Scam Ideas

Hi team!

Before I get into the latest round of silliness, a “news story” crossed my desk (metaphorically - I can’t afford a desk) that I feel didn’t get the attention that it deserved. So it is my contractual obligation and sacred duty to enrich your lives with the following information:

Apparently, Colorado congresswoman/unfortunately attractive lunatic Lauren Boebert has spent the last 30 years claiming that her father is retired pro wrestler “Sweet” Stan Lane. For the uninitiated, Lane was a star in the southern and mid-south territories during the 80s wrestling boom known for his tag team prowess with partners “Beautiful” Bobby Eaton in the Midnight Express and Steve Kiern in the Fabulous Ones:

Stan is the one on the right. Can you see the resemblance?

Lane claims that he took a negative DNA test at the time, but Boebert’s mother has spent the last three decades claiming that he somehow cheated the paternity test. She even went after him for child support which he never paid. The whole thing was a real white trash rodeo.

Recently, a story came out in which Lane took another paternity test determining once and for all that he is not Boebert’s father. A few things about this story:

First, Boebert was born in Florida. Shocker on that one! I didn’t know a lot about her, but yeah. That tracks.

But more importantly, how are we supposed to continue writing comedy when the world has gotten so ridiculous??? An insane elected official is claiming her dad is “Sweet” Stan Lane and it doesn’t even make enough headlines to come across the desk I don’t have? What is happening here? Why even continue?

Sigh. I’m feeling very discouraged by this whole thing. But I love you people and I am determined to make you laugh. So I will reluctantly soldier on. It’s what the Fabulous Ones would do. And now - on to today’s piece!

I’ve been watching a lot of documentaries lately and have come to one conclusion: rich people seem really easy to scam. I want in on the action. So, I’m going to use this space to workshop a few scam ideas and see how they shake out.

Because who can afford these fucking guys?

The Arm Wrestling Scam:  I walk into a successful business and challenge the boss to arm wrestle. I lose a few times on purpose and say “Wow, you’re really strong. I guess I should quit arm wrestling forever.” Feeling bad, the boss will comfort me and try to convince me not to give up on my arm wrestling dreams. Then I’ll agree to one last arm wrestling match under one condition: if I win I become the boss. Ba-boom! It’s embezzling time! (Note: this especially works well with smaller, weak-armed lady bosses.)

My Wombat Heartbreak:  On my dating profile, I lure people in with an adorable picture of me cuddling with a wombat. On dates, I play it cool and distant because I’m all mysterious and shit. After a few dates, I let them pull it out of me - that wombat is my brother Luke and he has Lou Gehrig’s disease. There is an experimental treatment they can perform in New Zealand, but it is really expensive and I can’t afford it so Luke the wombat is going to die! My date can’t Venmo me money fast enough. But the joke’s on them! Luke the wombat is perfectly healthy! And he’s not really my brother! We’re second cousins! Ha ha ha!

His name is Jeremy and he has a scratch ticket addiction.