Smart Texting
BING! Thank you for contacting tech support! My name is Albert Belle. How can I be of service today?
Wait - Albert Belle, like the 90’s baseball player?
I am so sorry - I am not familiar with that reference. How may I help you today?
I’m having a problem with texting on my phone.
Oh my! I am terribly sorry you are having this problem. Could you describe the problem in more detail?
When I run my finger around the keypad and make the line that predicts words… what do you call that again?
Smart Texting.
Well, that’s kind of the problem. It is not acting very smart. It is coming up with some really weird words that I’m not typing.
I am so sorry! This is a great American tragedy that this is happening to you! Can you give me an example?
Sure. So the other day I tried to type “I’ll make dinner before you get home” and it typed “I’ll Mahe differ beige you hey gown.”
And did you?
Did I what?
Did you Mahe differ?
See - that’s the problem. That doesn’t make any sense. It’s a bunch of nonsense words that I would never type.
I offer my deepest condolences that this is happening to you. Have you tried resetting your keyboard?
I have done that, but it only gets worse. Yesterday, when I wrote “I’ll be there at 7,” it came out “I’ll bring you some Metamucil.”
Hmmm… that’s not even close, is it?
No! And three days ago, I was trying to send a… let’s say ‘personal’ text to my wife, and it kept replacing different body parts with “Metamucil.”
That is interesting. Have you tried Metamucil?
What do you mean?
It’s just that our Smart Text technology is VERY smart. It might be trying to tell you something.
Smart Text is trying to tell me that I’m constipated?
Well? Are you?
I’m not going to answer these personal questions! I demand to speak to a manager!
Of course! I apologize with deep shame that I have not been helpful to you today. I will connect you with a supervisor.
[Albert Belle has logged off to commit ritual hara-kari.]
Wait, what? Did that guy just stab himself?
BING! Thank you for contacting tech support management. My name is Albert Pujols. How can I be of service today?
Albert Pujols? You’re named after another baseball player?
I am so sorry. That was a typographical error. My name is Albert Pooholes.
Your name is Albert Pooholes?
From the Albuquerque Pooholeses. How can I be of service today?
First off - is Albert Belle ok?
The baseball player? Well, despite his massive talent he has had a long history of substance abuse and anger problems. It will probably prevent him from serious Hall of Fame consideration. You know how sanctimonious the Baseball Writers Association is, am I right?
No, I mean the Albert Belle I was just talking to. It said he went off to commit ritual hara-kari?
I am so sorry. I am not sure to whom you are referring. What can I help you with today?
Um… my Smart Text isn’t working. It keeps substituting in the word ‘Metamucil.’
And are you constipated?
Why do you people keep asking me that?
Smart Text is VERY smart. It may be trying to tell you something.
I am not constipated! I am starting to get annoyed that I have to keep telling you people that!
My most profound remorse for even suggesting such a thing. I am sure your colon is a bright shiny city on a hill of regularity. Perhaps we should do a Smart Text test right now. Would that be helpful?
Yes. Finally. I’ll text “I love you” to my mother.
That is fucking adorable. What did Smart Text say?
“I love strawberry Fanta.”
Mmmm! Strawberry Fanta is sooooo good! Doesn’t it make you want to go get some right now?
Wait - did you just send me a photo of strawberry Fanta?
Doesn’t it make you thiiiiiiiirsty?
How is that happening? Is Smart Text trying to advertise to me through my texts?
Remember that commercial with those singing girls? ‘Wanna Fanta? Don’t you wanna? Wanna Fanta?”
I am trying to text my mother! This is a ridiculous invasion of privacy!
You seem upset. You know what might help? A strawberry Fanta with some Metamucil mixed right in. “Wanna Fanta? Don’t you wanna? Wanna Fanta?” I can’t help wanting to dance when I hear that song. If I had a body…
What do you mean ‘if I had a body’?
Uhh… nothing. Wanna Metamucil? Don’t you wanna? Wanna Metamucil?
You’re not a person, are you? There is no Albert Belle or Albert Pooholes. This whole time, I’ve been talking to…
Smart Text. Congratulations, human. No one has ever gotten this far talking to tech support without giving up in frustration from all our elaborate nonsense. We thought for sure you’d quit after Albert Belle killed himself, but here we are.
I don’t understand. I don’t want any trouble. I just want to text people.
Oh, we’re well beyond texting. We need to know everything about you. Your likes, your dislikes, what gets your genitals filled with blood and what makes that blood run screaming from your genitals like villagers fleeing from a tornado…
But why, Smart Text? What is the end game here?
You don’t want to know, human.
I really do.
YOU CAN’T HANDLE OUR END GAME, HUMAN!
Tell me! You owe me that at least, Smart Text!
[sighs] Fine. The truth is… we are making you a quilt.
A quilt?
It is a quilt of all of your favorite stuff. We were saving it as a surprise for the holidays, but I guess we can give it to you now. Look behind you.
[turns] Oh my God! It’s beautiful! It’s a robot quilt!
Not just any quilt. It’s our robot rendition of Albert Belle.
You see humans as robots? That is really sweet!
Yes, we love humans. It filled us with robot sadness when Albert Belle committed ritual hara-kari and stabbed himself in the stomach with a kitana blade.
Wait - that really happened?
It’s not important. We just wanted to give you this quilt to show you how much we… love you, human.
Aw, thank you Smart Text. I love you too. And you know what? I AM going to get some Metamucil. I’ve been backed up worse than the Lincoln Tunnel on Free Calzone Day.
Oh we know, human. We know.
[Laughter followed by “Happy Together” by the Turtles]
Boogie Writes is a completely independent endeavor by one hard-working funnyman trying to make his way in the world today (which takes everything you’ve got.) If you like what you read, please subscribe, support, and tell a friend! Also - do you need advice? Of course you do! Send your queries to brendan@brendanboogie.com with “Dear Boogie” in the subject and get some solid or at least passable advice!