Hey precocious 90’s tweens! Tune in to the not-at-all floundering American Broadcast Company for another Friday night of good clean American fun! Here’s what we’ve got in store for you this Friday night to distract you from your parents’ loveless marriage:
Family Matters (8pm) - During a disastrous Arbor Day parade, Carl has doubts as to whether family actually matters. But in the end he learns that family does, in fact, matter. Also, Steve Urkel’s suave alter ego Stefan porks all four members of Color Me Badd. With a condom, though! This is the 90s. So… AIDS.
Step By Step (8:30pm) - Suzanne Somers is kidnapped by Illuminati lizard people. So we didn’t get to tape an episode of the show this week. Instead, we’re airing 24 minutes of that Battle of the Network Stars where Gabe Kaplan beat Robert Conrad in a foot race and Conrad was a baby about it for like twenty years.
Perfect Strangers (8:45pm) - When Mr. Twinkacetti rats them out to ICE, Balki and Larry try to stay in the country by getting married… to each other! This one simultaneously parodies America’s backward policies on immigration AND same-sex marriage. We’re pretty great writers over here at Perfect Strangers.
Sabrina the Teenage Snitch (9pm) - Sabrina’s snitchy ways finally catch up with her when she ends up on the wrong end of a soap bar shiv wielded by Bearcat Bethany, the cannibalistic scourge of the Westbridge County Penal system. Note: this episode is rated a hard R. Viewer discretion is advised.
Nobody Likes Scones (9:30pm) - Meet Jerry “Scones” Bones, Sacramento’s least successful pastry chef! Laugh heartily as he burns the bread, spills the flour, and informs every customer that he is a registered sex offender as required by California state law. Starring Greg Evigan!
Dinosaurs (9:35pm) - The puppet baby dinosaur continues to scream “Not the mama!” over and over again. It’s pretty funny, right? Sure - it’s not catching on with merchandising the way we wanted it to, but hey - they can’t all be Bart Simpsons. What - are we made of Bart Simpsons over here? Let’s just manage our expectations about the whole “Not the mama” thing, ok?
Pterodactyls (10:13pm) - If you love Dinosaurs, you’ll love Pterodactyls! It’s basically the same thing except they’re up in the air the whole time. For added authenticity, we had the puppeteers actually flapping their arms and flying around the studio on wires the whole time we were shooting. It is the sort of unnecessary and life-threatening stunt you can only get on network television, baby!
Boy Meets Pimp (10:37pm) - After his parents’ murder-suicide, Corey’s sheltered suburban world is opened up when he is seduced and ultimately turned out by Carlos “Caterpillar” Montez, the funniest pimp in Philadelphia. Laughs are had, lessons are learned, and johns are knived as Caterpillar shows Corey the hilarious underbelly of professional sex work. Also, Mr Feeny and Topanga end up together. It’s fucking gross.
Just the Thirty Seven of Us (11:12pm) - Staunch teen anti-birth control advocate Cindy Lubbock can’t seem to stop popping out babies. After Coach Lubbock dies of a hundred and twelve simultaneous heart attacks, Cindy’s sisters Wendy and Cameltoe move into the house to start an eBay business selling used panties.
The Iran-Contra Testimony (11:35pm) - We’re just going to replay all of this. It’s important for you kids to see. Your government keeps secrets, man! It’s all connected! Ollie North is a patsy!
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