Thanksgiving Tips
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Navigating this family holiday can be tough. As you read this, you’re probably busy driving to your families (it’s totally cool to read and drive - you’re a great multi-tasker) so here is just a quick list of some last minute tips to make the best of this, the Thursdayest of all the high holy holidays:
Choose your conversation topics carefully. Remember - you’re likely going to be spending the afternoon with people who have different belief systems. Things can get a little awkward. Luckily, there are two go-to topics that always work: religion and politics. If you can stay safely in those subjects and really let the other person know how wrong they are for their deeply held beliefs, you’ll earn their respect and win Thanksgiving.
Eat all the pie. You may be tempted to let other people have some pie. This is a trap! If other people eat pie, that’s less pie for you. It’s just basic economics. Here are some surefire steps to make sure you eat all the pie:
Cram in all the pie you can physically stomach while everyone else is chatting and having pre-dinner cocktails. Someone may toss out a light-hearted comment like “Save some pie for us, Uncle Brendan!” If this happens, you can counter with something witty but neutral, like “Oh yeah? Why don’t you suck down another glass of cheap booze, you craven alcoholic?”
While your family is busy eating dinner, hide all the pie you weren’t able to eat. You should pick a really good hiding place where no one would ever look for pie. The garage just isn’t going to cut it. Your nephew is a goddamnn pie bloodhound. I recommend burying the pies in a nearby graveyard or - if you have the technology available - shooting them into space.
When people want pie for dessert, they will likely turn to you and ask “Ok, Uncle Brendan - what did you do with all the pie?” At that point, you pretend you have never heard of the concept of pie. “So… pie? Some sort of sweet baked pastry with a filling of some kind, you say? I am afraid I have never heard of it, old chap!” Fake a British accent during this step. It will add to the confusion. After about an hour, most people will grow tired of your evasiveness and just break into Aunt Sharon’s dry-ass oatmeal raisin cookies. Win for you!
Talk to your contact at NASA about getting those pies back from space. The best part? It’s really cold up there! The pies will stay fresh! You didn’t have to share, you pie-loving genius!
Don’t watch the Detroit Lions. I know, I know - they’re good this year. But come on - they’re the Detroit Lions! They’re the Tom Arnold of football teams. Sure, they can pull off the occasional likable turn in a TRUE LIES now and then, but ultimately they’re not going to make anyone happy. They’re the Detroit Lions! Just stop watching them. You’re only encouraging them.
Wager on the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. With the proliferation of legal sports betting, gambling has finally emerged to enhance our enjoyment of America’s most famous parade. Here is the Vegas line on some of the prop bets I’m recommending:
-200 The Charlie Brown balloon gets depressed and kills himself
+350 Tony Bennett forgets the lyrics to “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” and then realizes he is a zombie
+1500 A bottomless Kathy Lee Gifford stumbles in front of the Larchmont High School Marching Band with a glass of rummy egg nog and yells “Happy Halloween, Reeg!”
-750 Santa is apprehended and deported by ICE
Throw eggs at Black Friday shoppers. Did you know that Black Friday isn’t just on Friday anymore? Some retail stores open on actual Thanksgiving so eager shoppers can take advantage of some truly amazing deals. Throw eggs at those people. It’s a good bonding opportunity for the family and you get to make an anti-capitalist statement which will play well with the liberal hipsters in your neighborhood. Also - you can usually get a really good pre-Black Friday deal on the eggs!
Watch “It’s the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown” as if it’s a horror movie. Let out a blood curdling scream every time Linus wanders into the pumpkin patch. “Don’t go in there, Linus! You’re going to fucking die, you thumb-sucking idiot!” Your anxious screaming will really enhance the viewing experience for your grandma and hopefully your neighbors!
Have a great Thanksgiving! I mean it! I’m being sincere, I swear! I know that I’ve been doing jokes this whole time but I sincerely hope you have a great Thanksgiving. I am thankful for you taking the time to read my nonsense every week. So thank you so much! And seriously - eat all the pie. You deserve it, queen.
Boogie Writes is a completely independent endeavor by one hard-working funnyman trying to make his way in the world today (which takes everything you’ve got.) If you like what you read, please subscribe, support, and tell a friend! Also - do you need advice? Of course you do! Send your queries to brendan@brendanboogie.com with “Dear Boogie” in the subject and get some solid or at least passable advice!