The Characters of Entourage - 20 Years Later

Can you believe it? It has been 20 whole years since the bros from HBO’s Entourage first spurted their unique brand of male-bonded hilarity across our unsuspecting TV screens. But what has happened to the iconic characters of the show in the past two decades? Let’s find out!

Vince:

Over the twenty years since we’ve seen him, former A-lister Vincent Chase’s star has sadly faded. After decades of unemployed obscurity peppered with the occasional reverse mortgage insurance commercial and non-sexual softcore porn speaking role, Vince finally landed the comeback role of a lifetime: the title role in the new superhero flick MARVEL’S CHOAD. Sadly, after the announcement, Marvel head Kevin Feige learned of Vince’s horrible treatment of women over the years. Fearing public outcry, Marvel recast him with Tom Sizemore. No word on whether Feige knows that Sizemore died in 2023. 

E: 

Eric - or “E” as he is cleverly nicknamed by his clever friends - left the entertainment business behind to pursue his true passion: looking vaguely like some dude you went to college with but can’t really place. When he learned that there is no money in this skill, he decided a new nickname was in order. “What about F? Or H? That’s a pretty nice letter,” he passionately implored the National Nickname Registry Board. When his pleas fell upon deaf ears, he gave up and moved to Connecticut to start a career as a marshmallow inspector. He was quickly fired when his employers learned of his history of atrocious behavior toward women.  

Turtle  

Tired of his life as a celebrity hanger-on, Turtle left the entourage to find himself. With nothing but a bindle on a stick and eight gold chains around his neck, he hit the open road. Turtle hitchhiked all over the American southwest, dropping peyote and earning beef jerky money at local beatbox competitions. One day, it finally hit him: his deepest desire was to be an actual turtle. Creating a makeshift shell out of found hubcaps and discarded mats from McDonald’s Playlands, Turtle tried to slowly ingratiate himself into the turtle population of the Everglades… until the World Wildife Fund slapped him with a reptilian sexual harassment suit.

Ari Gold: 

Ok, I’ve been making fun of the characters on the show, but Jeremy Piven is a piece of shit. He’s got multiple credible rape allegations against him and he’s just skated by them. He’s even booking roles again. What the fuck? I was volunteering at a film festival a few years ago and he was there. I refused to go near him and I insisted on referring to him as ‘alleged serial rapist Jeremy Piven’ all night to anyone who asked. 

Patron:  “Which theater is THE WALK in?”

Me:  “Oh, you mean the movie starring alleged serial rapist Jeremy Piven? That’s in theater 1. I’ll take your ticket!“ 

The festival wasn’t thrilled with me, but we can’t stop reminding people that these motherfuckers get away with crimes scott free. Oh, and also don’t forget - Entourage executive producer Mark Wahlberg has committed multiple racial hate crimes. Anyway - on with the fun!

Johnny Drama: 

Try as he may, Drama couldn’t shake his love of “acting” aka looking sad by sticking his bottom lip out like a toddler. When the movie and TV roles dried up, Drama took the next logical step: Civil War reenacting. Unfortunately, there are not a lot of historical sites in the greater Los Angeles area, so Drama was forced to do his (surprisingly spot-on) General Braxton Bragg impression with the costumed Spider-Men and Mr. Ts out on Hollywood Boulevard. When he was at his lowest point, a chance encounter with Lin Manuel Miranda at a vegan Carl’s Jr gave Drama the chance to ply his historical thespian skills in a new musical about Ulysses S. Grant. Unfortunately, Drama lost the part on opening night for - you guessed it - getting handsy with Mary Todd Lincoln.

Spencer Strasmore: 

After being forced by the NFLPA to sell the Kansas City Chiefs, Spencer contemplated leaving the high stress world of professional football…  wait, was this Entourage? I think it might have been Ballers or something? I don’t know. I didn’t actually watch either of these shows because they seemed douchey as fuck. 

Elon Musk:

So technically, he wasn’t ever on the show Entourage. But it seems like he was, doesn’t it?

The Women:

Oh, the women of Entourage! Who could forget all these well-written, three-dimensional characters? There was… Stacy Stacerson and… Lady Boobsalot… and Mrs. Doubtfire. I think Ronda Rousey was in it! She’s great, right? But you know you loved them. I know when I look for writing that really speaks to a woman’s experience in Hollywood, got to go with the ‘raaahge! 

Mr. Belvedere: 

In the strangest crossover episode ever, Vince and the guys took a trip to suburban Pittsburgh to confront an online troll who kept calling Vince’s hair “cum curls.” When that troll turned out to be 10-year old Wesley Owens, the boys in the entourage learned an unexpected lesson about compassion and civility from the one and only Mr. B himself. This episode only aired once and was wildly unpopular, causing Christopher Hewitt to burn down the Museum of Film and Television and - just to be safe - the offices of the Home Shopping Channel.   

The Entourage Fans:

Crushed by the end of their beloved program, 100% of Entourage fans got really into crypto, brah.

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