To Be Read Upon My Untimely Death
To my dearest friends and family: apparently, I am no longer of this earth. Since I am writing this when I am healthy and very much alive, I of course have no idea how I passed on. I suspect it was something to do with either my horrible eating habits, my refusal to get even the most basic of preventative medical care, or my stubborn habit of engaging in the much-derided practice of ‘buffalo taunting.’ However it was that I died, I hope it was a long, drawn-out affair that was a great drain on my loved ones, both financially and emotionally. I view your bankruptcy caused by keeping my respirator going that extra few months as your final act of love for me.
Let me start by addressing what is likely your first question: no, I did not leave you any money. To be honest, there is not much left. Since I am no longer around to absorb your judgmental looks, I will finally admit it: investing all my money in a chain of raw oyster vending machines was an error. To be fair to me, raw oysters are very popular. People love them! Combining the public’s insatiable craving for raw oysters with the convenience of a bus station vending machine seemed like a no-brainer. How could I have foreseen the public health debacle that was to unfold? What am I - a doctor? At the end of the day, I consider it a lesson learned and regret the exorbitant cost to my investors, the already-taxed medical system, and of course the good people at the Center for Disease Control.
The next question you are probably asking yourself is “Is Brendan finally ready to name his favorite member of Menudo?” While part of me thinks I should bring this to my eternal resting place to spare the feelings of all my non-favorite Menudos, I feel it is only fair to reveal this now. My favorite Menudo is… Javier. To clarify, it is Javier H, not Javier B, Javier J, or the other Javier B. I mean, obviously it’s not Javier J! How do you say ‘tone deaf’ in Spanish, am I right? Anyway - congratulations on being my favorite Menudo, Javier. You earned it, you beautiful golden god of Latin rhythm!
While I was still with you, I tried to - as they say at my favorite restaurant - “live mas.” I hope I was in some way a small inspiration for you to do the same or at least for Taco Bell to bring back the double decker taco. Reintroducing the delicious genius of a hard shell taco and a soft shell taco held together by an adhesive layer of refried beans is the least the Taco Bell corporation can do to commemorate me, their greatest and most banned customer. I only hope that I “died mas” as mucho as I lived.
And now, I will reveal some truths that may rattle a few cages. I am dead so who cares, right? What are you going to do - be mad at me? I’m dead! You can’t be mad at a dead guy or that kind of makes you the piece of shit, doesn’t it? Anyway, some post-mortem confessions:
While I was alive, I often got dreamy actors Omar Epps and Taye Diggs mixed up. Was it racist? You bet. Do I regret it? Of course. Should I have snuck into their houses and mined their DNA with a comically large syringe in order to splice them into the perfect uberman known as Tomar Depps? History will be the judge of that.
I wasn’t really fat. I was wearing a bulletproof vest the whole time. You insult Steven Seagal’s guitar playing one time and you learn to watch your back. Anyway, I was super skinny and svelte but (ironically) didn’t have the guts to show you all my sick washboard abs. Regrets, I’ve had a few…
My real name isn’t Brendan Boogie. I legally changed it. My given name is Irving Boogie. Looking back, it was a good career move. Middle America wasn’t ready for Irving Boogie. Too ethnic.
I was never able to do the Humpty dance. I regret to inform you that I did indeed miss my chance to do the Hump. I did get grabbed in the biscuits quite a few times. Litigation was still ongoing at the time of my death and my attorneys have been instructed to push forward. It’s about the principle.
Now, some words of wisdom from beyond the grave:
No matter how bad things get, never go to the dentist. There’s nothing these so-called “doctors” can do to your mouth that your local day laborer down at Home Depot won’t do for a fraction of the price. It’s just horse sense.
This one is for the kids: peer pressure gets a bad rap, but how else are you going to develop those important smoking skills you’ll need later in life?
Nobody actually likes wine. They’re all pretending to seem like more of an adult. Every last one of them would rather drink the shit out of a cream soda in a second. If you think it’s gross, don’t worry about it. Everyone else secretly does as well. (I’m sure people want to argue with me on this one, but I’m dead now! You’re going to argue with a dead guy? What a dick you would be!)
When in doubt, just shrug and yell “Flava FLAAAAAV!” Courtrooms, tax audits, car accidents - it doesn’t matter. No reasonable person can stay mad at your impish charm. Or so VH1 from like 15 year ago would have me believe.
No matter how curious you may be, do yourself a favor: don’t look up what Dukes of Hazzard star Tom Wopat has been up to lately.
And… that’s pretty much it for wisdom. I lived an exemplary life otherwise. I’m not going to go so far as to say “perfect,” but if you were to use that word generously during my eulogies and garment-rending social media posts, I’m not going to argue with you.
Since I don’t know exactly how I died, I leave specific instructions with my remains based on my cause of death:
Cancer - shoot me out of a cannon in an Evel Knievel outfit
Heart disease - shoot me out of a cannon in a Dracula outfit but aim me directly at Evel Knievel’s grave
Car accident - cremate me and sprinkle me on some Friendly’s black raspberry ice cream. Lock up anyone who eats me.
Gun violence - march my animated corpse on Washington in the most political Weekend at Bernie’s stunt of all time
Anything else - donate my body to low income perverts who don’t have regular access to corpses
And finally, my last word is… buttfarts.
Boogie Writes is a completely independent endeavor by one hard-working funnyman trying to make his way in the world today (which takes everything you’ve got.) If you like what you read, please subscribe, support, and tell a friend! Also - do you need advice? Of course you do! Send your queries to brendan@brendanboogie.com with “Dear Boogie” in the subject and get some solid or at least passable advice!