Welcome to Boogie Writes!

My name is Brendan Boogie and I would like to introduce you to Boogie Writes - my new Substack! I will now open the floor to questions. Yes - you in the back.

So why are you doing this, Brendan? What - do you think you’re better than us?

Ok, first off - you’re coming in with a lot of weird aggression right out of the gate. I’m just telling you about this fun new project. I’m writing a few jokes, not stealing your grandmother’s Vicodin. Why are you personalizing this so much? It’s not about you. Not everything is about you, Kevin!

(Sigh) Fiiiiine. Pretty please tell us why you’re doing this new Substack, Brendan.   

As you may or may not know, I left my career as a professional mental health counselor to become a full time freelance writer/director/editor. At first, it was terrifying. I jumped out of the plane without a net. It was a roller coaster of mixed metaphors. But it truly has been a dream come true to make my living as a professional writer. 

If there is a downside to being a writer-for-hire, it’s the lack of control over subject matter. Sure, I enjoy the heck out of making other people’s projects better with my fancy word-slanging. But what about the nuggets of genius that fall out of my brain hole? This newsletter is an opportunity to write the kind of material I love for people who love to read it. 

Why Substack? Also - what is Substack?

Substack is a very cool delivery system that allows freelance writers to be more self-sustainable. With the decline of print media, it is harder and harder for even the most talented and accomplished writers to make a living. Substack allows you the reader to directly support writers you love without a big magazine or website full of advertising as a middle man. 

So what kind of writing will you be doing?

Ohhhh…. I’ve got ideas, friend. At first, I will be focusing mostly on humor essays - think the kind of thing Steve Martin would write for the New Yorker, but with more dick jokes. If you liked the show I Think You Should Leave, you’ll probably dig my dug. But the cool thing about creating my own space is that I have total freedom. Long form, short form, essays, dialogues, interviews, movie scenes, commentary - you’re going to read it all. And you - the reader - can let me know what you like and I can make more of it. My arrogant need for creative freedom is only eclipsed by my pathological need to please my audience.

Plus… drumroll… I will be bringing back “Dear Boogie,” my popular advice column from back in the day! You want my advice. You need my advice. Well, now you can finally get it. 

Why a paid model? Why should I pay you to read your trashy garbage, you trashy crap person?

That’s up to you. I am perfectly happy with folks reading my trashy garbage without paying a dime. That’s why there will be a tiered system. Here’s how it will work:

Free - You get one piece every week plus “Dear Boogie”

Paid: $5/month or $50/year - You get two pieces every week plus “Dear Boogie” 

Founding Member: $100/year - You get two pieces every week plus “Dear Boogie” plus audio versions of all essays plus access to some of my film scripts and a personalized movie script scene featuring you as the main character 

One thing is for sure: I am serious about subscribers getting their money’s worth. I don’t feel entitled to your support and I don’t take it lightly. If you’ve worked with me or paid any attention to my career up to this point, you know I don’t half ass anything. I only put out the highest quality material to the best of my ability. I write and rewrite and rewrite… I have edited this sentence six times so far. Do I use two ‘rewrites’ or is three more effective? This is the kind of perseverative madness that lives behind the curtain of the funny. All for you, babies. All for you. 

How do I sign up?

It’s simple - just go to brendanboogie.substack.com and hit the subscribe button! I think! What am I - the President of Subscribe Buttons all of a sudden?

Whoa - why’d you get all defensive there, Brendan? Is everything ok?

I’m fine.

Really? Because you don’t seem fine.

I mean… I don’t think this is the forum to really discuss…

Brendan. Look at us. Tell me what’s wrong.

I HAVE RESTLESS BALLS SYNDROME! (breaks into tears)

Uh… wow. Yeah. That sounds very… yeah.

My balls are so restless. They won’t rest! It is a living nightmare. (more weeping)

Uh huh. We think your first instinct was maybe right. This probably isn’t the forum to discuss medical issues. Just out of curiosity - is this the kind of thing we can expect from this newsletter?

Jokes about my balls? Oh yeah. Constantly.

Noted.

Boogie Writes is a completely independent endeavor by one hard-working funnyman trying to make his way in the world today (which takes everything you’ve got.) If you like what you read, please subscribe, support, and tell a friend!